luckykaa: (Wolf)
Much as the weekend was frustrating, I seem to be feeling a little more cheerful now. I did enjoy the parties, and catching up with friends at the convention. I had a chance to go into the sea at least briefly, and it wasn't horribly cold. Blackpool does have nice sandy beaches.

Also I got a lot of likes on the photos I uploaded to faceache which is always an ego boost.

Couple of agents have called me about possible contracts. I'm actually quite optimistic about one of them. They seem to want a lot of dispirate skills (is that the right word?) but I have a bunch of them.

And the mechanic seems to have got the bolt he needed at last.

In other news final (I believe) Temraire book comes out in a couple of days.
luckykaa: (Exterminate)
I like feeling creative. It's fun producing something. I just can't decide what.

In the past, I did programming. That's a good weekend activity - actually working on something I want to work on, but my weekends seem to be frequently busy these days. After a day at work, I'm really not in the mood for even more staring at computers.

I am rather pleased that I seem to be slowly improving at drawing, and I quite like the idea of making a comic. Shame I still don't have a plot. Or a setting. I think I have a character but that might change.

My initial idea was 1920's dieselpunk. But then I figured I don't really like the fashions. 1960's is much more relaxed and colourful. I don't want to do historical though. I want to do speculative. So atompunk/raygungoth it is.

This does require some worldbuilding. Obviously the year is something futuristic sounding like 2000AD. The cold war is still going on, of course. There are space stations, rocket ships, and everyone wears shiny silver outfits.

No plot though. Also, not sure if my ace reporter is a good fit. Ponering if I should furry the whole thing up and create some anthros instead. I'm often accused of being a furry. Why not go the whole hog? Pigs are cool!

Ennui

Sep. 5th, 2014 10:18 pm
luckykaa: (Car)
For the past couple of years, I've been milling around Europe, enjoying the experience of living in other countries. It's been fun. For some reason Since coming back to Berlin I'm feeling a little listless.

I like Berlin. It's a cool place with lots to do. Lots of events and meetup things that give me options. Live comedy, live music, parks and places to see, and plenty of entertainments, and random trips to lakes and things.

But... I feel like I'm just passing through. My job is just there to pay the bills. I don't hate it. I also don't love it. what I really want to do is development rather than maintenance. My apartment is okay. the location, size and internet access are great, and it has a fitted kitchen (very important to me and not as common as I'd expect in German apartments). Downside is it's all a bit scruffy with a lot of hand me down furniture, and not a lot of storage space. It just seems odd to have a bunch of mismatched kitchen utensils. I have about 20 knives and forks none of which match; a huge pile of plates and a lot of mismatched glasses.

I do miss a lot of things from home. I miss being able to understand the culture and language intuitively. I miss roleplaying and I miss costuming. I kinda miss having a car. I miss seeing my friends. And I kinda miss having a lot of my stuff.

So I need to decide what to do. Do I want to return home? I have the slight probem that I have no idea where I want to go. England appeals in an abstract way but no particular town or city does. Perhaps I need to find somewhere else to live. Perhaps I should find another job. Perhaps I should move on.

I'm here until the end of November at least. I'll probably stay at lest a little longer. Getting a new contract in December is too unlikely so will probably stay a little further after that. After that I have no idea what I want to do.
luckykaa: (Wolf)
My parents have gone away on holiday leaving me the place to myself. I enjoy the peace and quiet. It can get a little stressful. Last time I was here I had a nice bolthole but that seems to have been converted to a laundry room so I don't have that any more. The me time is appreciated.

The downside is that while I may be an introvert, and happy with my own company for extended periods, I do need some human contact. And living where I do, working as I don't, it's not always all that convenient to find other people. And if they're anything like me they want to be left alone most of the time.

I guess all I really want to do is go down the pub and chat. Anyone else want to come?
luckykaa: (Travel)
Still pondering whether I want to stay here after my 3 months are up.

I took the job because it was offered and I hadn't been to Amsterdam before. I'm pleased I did. I'd never been to Amsterdam before. I would have felt like I was stepping backwards if I got a job in England (not so sure about Scotland).

Moving to a new country is tough though. And I wonder if Amsterdam is a good fit. It's exciting and liberal and there's lots of drugs and late night partying. I'm not exactly a wild party animal. If I stay I'll probably be committing myself to at least a year (6 month rentals are hard to come by and shifting stuff from Britain and back again isn't cheap). There are worse places to live for a year, but is this something I want? I have a few issue which make me feel a little dissatisfied.

The main thing is it's hard to meet new people, and I'm lonely! I don't know if this will resolve itself. There's meetup.com and a few others which are nice enough but I don't really find a lot of people I gel with. There are fannish types, and friends have been kind enough to put me in contact with them but they all live a bit far away for a casual visit. There is a monthly SF meetup which I'll go along to but that's not happening for another couple of weeks

For all its charms, Amsterdam isn't where I want to be. Where I do want to be is another matter (Well, Melbourne would be nice but not really possible). I'm limited to where I can be. Places seem to either make it difficult for foreigners (most of the places outside Europe), or hard for English-only speakers (most of the south of Europe). That limits me mainly to northern Europe. Scandinavia has appealed for a while. Certainly would like to give it a go, but there are only about a dozen companies in the region that I can work for (English speaking, C++ or Java), and they're not always hiring.  Getting work there requires luck or potentially waiting a long time.

Must do something fun and write about that. This LJ is all getting too introspective.
luckykaa: (Robot)
Since I was getting zero exercise, I decided to take up running. I went for the couch to 5K plan. The idea is you start off mostly walking with short jogs, and build up to a 5 km run.

Started off pretty well. Then winter happened. Took a while but eventually acquired some tracksuit trousers. A lot harder than expected since everywhere seemed to charge a fortune for them. Built up distance over a few weeks. Winter decided to fight back and send snow and sub zero temperatures. It was a struggle to even want to leave. Still, I managed to fight through it, but going out is hard enough. Pushing myself past that was impossible. The running plan allows taking it easy and stretching it out, so I did that until the weather improved.

Seems the universe doesn't like this plan.

Weather improved. Had a long weekend which meant I took 4 days between runs rather than the usual 2 or 3.  Then caught an annoying cold largely knocking me out. Spent a week not running. Got better. Weather decided to send more sub-zero temperatures. Weather improved. Caught another cold. Am feeling better now, but is that snow or sleet out there?

I'm also finding this is getting a bit boring. There are only so many routes I can take around the city.

So, right now I'm making negative progress and getting irked by it.

Honestly, I don't think it's just this. A lot of things have been not working how I want. I haven't had something I can consider a "win" for a while.

I really want a win.
luckykaa: (Default)
Keep looking back at old entries.  Ii always seem tso negative.  Hope I come across as more cheerful in real life
luckykaa: (Robot)

This is just a long whinge. 

So, this week, I finally managed to get through to Circus Space while they were actually answering the phone, but by the time I got managed all the classes were sold out.  Seem to have missed out on the gorilla circus one day things as well.The awesome purple DMs that I'm sure I saw and wanted for my birthday don't seem to have ever existed any more.  All a bit diappointing.

Really not happy with how my.Nano rewrite is going.  It's better.  I've worked out what the problem is with my dialogue. Now I need to address the suiddenly quite glaring issues with a complete absence of any character in my minor characters.  Seems that everyone my main character meets is a bored bureucrat.  And my heart's no in it.  I should probably take a break and focus on something else.  It's only a hobby.  Why is it becoming a chore?  I feel guilty if I don't spend a lot of time reading as well.  I really can't work out why.  Do I need to justify the investment?  Is it that I identify as a sci-fi geek and feel I should want to?  Why can't I just sit and enjoy these books when I feel like it?

My concern rhere is that I allow myself to stagnate the four evenings a week I'm away.  I spend way too much time surfing the net and arguing with idiots on reddit.  Writing is an actual hobby that I feel is self-improving.  I want to go out and do something and I can't find anything in Welwyn that appeals.  Hell, I should go and visit friends in the vicinity.  They're not too far away. 

Pah!  I'm just rubbish at this life malarky.  I should have a great one but I have no idea how to use it.

luckykaa: (Robot)
I've had an annoying cold since Monday. This is the main problem.  Everything else just feels bad because I'm not in a mood to deal.

Work continues to go rather slowly without any concrete targets.  I really want to have some designs and specs and actual targets.  It's been three and a half weeks and we've started nothing.

Finding lack of useful utensils annoying.  I need a knife that actually cuts!  Or a knife sharpener.  Landlady is a bit of a hoarder.  That's why there are 7 pepper mills and no salt.  (Also 2 couple of bread makers that are never used and 2 irons for some reason).   The result is there's a lot of stuff but never what I actually need.

Landlady asked me to install a printer for her.  It was a freebie from her neighbour because hers was out of colour ink.  Most of us just buy a new cartridge.  Didn't come with cables or installer.  Landlady's PC is on its last legs.  Windows should not take 5 minutes to shut down.  Also found HP's installation software horribly slow.  Printer requires ethernet connection to set up wireless.  After waiting an hour and a half or so for the whole thing to install, it only printed in black and white.  Checked the ink cartridge.  No colour.

Spent far too long today getting PC to connect to internet  Is a bit of a faff anyway because my room is in the opposite corner for the house from the router - low speeds and frequent lost connection.  But even so - I was just getting the "connection issues" wireless message where it refused to give me an IP address.

Had some leftover spinach.  Googled for interesting recipes to use it up.  Saw a nice cannelloni recipe on BBC Good food. Put it in saucepan.  Knocked saucepan on the floor. As expected, there's no useful utensil to scoop up.  Also have no remaining ingredients.  Sigh.  Off to supermarket.

And LJ's been down all week so been unable to complain about it properly.  I'd switch to Dreamwidth or something but I refuse to let myself be forced into an action that would effectively legitimise the attack.
luckykaa: (Default)
Curious day.

It was [livejournal.com profile] ghostpaw and [livejournal.com profile] erestania's combined birthday bash.  I was rather keen to see octopus girl again since the last couple of times we got on rather well, but there was no way I wanted to miss the party.  Felt it was probably a bit too early to introduce her to my friends since she's still of unspecified relationship status. 

Texted suggesting we meet of Friday.  She replied that she was seeing a movie but we could do other plans on Saturday afternoon.  So I suggested plans hoping for a yes/no/how about... type response and heard nothing.  tried calling.  Phone was off.  Tried again later.  Phone rang.  No answer.  Wondering if I should take this as a hint (which seems a bit out of the blue) or to put it down to her general flakiness. 

Ah well.  Went to the party.  Had realised I was going to be a bit late and had arranged my day around that.  Picked up [livejournal.com profile] eglantinedreams almost got a parking ticket but didn't quite.  Stopped off at a village off-licence and bought a nice looking bottle of alcohol.  Drove to camp site and cars started flashing us and some pedestrians urged us to turn around.  So decided to approach campsite from the other side. Except wasn't able to explain the concept to satnav.  Eglantinedreams suggested atlas might be helpful  Forgot I had one of them.  They're great when tech fails.  So went round the other side and hit the same roadblock.  Turns out that was the entrance we needed. Actually we might have been able to sneak in but didn't quite know where everything was happening so waited fro the road block to be cleared.  Was quite pleased to hear no serious injuries although seemed one of the cars ended up on its side.

Was a little stressed  by the time I got there but soon chilled out. 

It was fun.  And the weather improved!  There was interesting drinks and roast lamb and a ceilidh and people and silliness and people I've not seen for far too long and I had a fantastic time and it was really awesome seeing everyone.  And then there was fire juggling!  And songs!  And it was awesome!

Edit to expand a bit because I'm not talking enough about the party.

The drink was fantastic!  I had some tasty rum drink and some damson wine. 

We were all really bad a ceilidh dancing.  This makes it a lot more entertaining since you have to work out where everyone else is and also there's the risk of serious injury.  Possibly. 

Lots of jugglers.  Fire jugglers!  Including some spooky green fire!  Really need to spend time practising that.

There was a full moon!  Howwwwwwlllllll!

We also had the awesome amount of space from the scholars tent. It's actually bigger than my house.  It's realyl a great tent.  Does require a certain amount of coordination to erect and dismantle but it has space and a  frame so there are no internal poles.

Yay! PARTIES!!!
luckykaa: (Exterminate)
I seem to have been in a pretty sullen mood recently.  Not quite sure what's causing it.

I guess part of it is the repeated rejection and failure to get a new contract.  It does tend to get a little wearing after a while.  But that's only part of it

Really my problem is that I'm in a rut.  Haven't met anyone new or interesting for ages.  Not started anything new.  Not made much progress with the things I have started...  And I don't have the enthusiasm to actually achieve anything.  The lack of enthusiasm stops me from having enthusiasm.  Coming up with ideas seems to be extremely difficult and even focussing properly seems to be a lot harder than it should be. Okay - there was the flying trapeze thing, and that was fun while it lasted - all several seconds of it.  Gave me a buzz for the rest of the day; but it didn't last.  And it's expensive! 

So I need to do something new with new and interesting people.  Last time I felt like this I took up trapeze.  The time before I went dancing and before that I did acting lessons.  Running out of interesting looking hobbies.  And even if I find one I need a nudge to actually start.

So that's it.  I need to do something different.  I need to remind myself I'm alive. 

Except I'm not totally certain that is it.  It could just be loneliness. Maybe something else entirely.  This is just a guess.
luckykaa: (Default)
I'd actually like to go out and do stuff. 

Laundry, cleaning and all the other stuff that I can't do in the week due to being 150 miles away seems to be taking up my only day off though. 

Ah well.  If anyone wants to come round and watch Doctor Who this evening you're quite welcome to:)
luckykaa: (Default)
Everything's been mildly disappointing today.

Stupid pointless interview, was going to meet up with someone from t'internet but she bailed on me (had work.  Did seem apologetic), tried to buy a birthday card but it's really hard this close to valentine's, was going to go to Salsa at More bar but that's closed down, and the mate I was going to pub with tomorrow isn't going to be there.

If anyone wants me I'll be in my room.

However, tomorrow is a new day. 
luckykaa: (Robot)
Seem to be suffering from January. 

Went to Ceroc on Sunday.  It was okay.  

Went to Born To Lose yesterday.  Didn't quite manage the whole talking to people thing. 

Bought some new socks and some Chinese Aviator Goggles. 

I've tried chocolate cookie dough ice cream.  Going out in the sun.  Watching happy TV.  Went to Camden. 

I need a better cure.
luckykaa: (Default)
For some reason, possibly January and overwork, I've been feeling a little down and insecure recently.  Found the London Sci-fi pubmeet a little harrowing.  Crowds of mostly people I don't know aren't really all that good for the claustrophobic introvert.

So, it's all about finding a solution. 

My solution so far has been
Clean house.
Go for a walk while it's sunny.
Watch Glee
See Avatar with friends
Go to Ceroc.

Went to the Haywards Heath Ceroc because it's conveniently on the way from work. It's a nice confidence booster doing something that I'm moderately competent at.  I'm so rusty though.

new shower

Aug. 22nd, 2009 06:49 pm
luckykaa: (Default)
Finally!!!  I have hot water.

And a relatively tidy flat. 

Seem to have pulled out of that depressed state I was in.

bored

Aug. 9th, 2009 01:46 pm
luckykaa: (Default)
Anyone doing anything?
luckykaa: (Default)
Why am I finding it so hard being happy recently?  I'm not even in one of those "don't deserve to be happy" moods, and don't have winter to blame.  I'm not even unhappy exactly.  I just find myself moderately irritable for no reason I can see.  I'm usually much better at finding something to smile about. 

I really need to try harder.

What makes you happy?
luckykaa: (Default)
Don't seem to have a lot substantial to write.  Will post bits.

Cleaned up living room and kitchen.  Clean living room reduced stress level remarkably.  I'm now sufficiently fee of stress to realise that I've got a cold.  Thought the tiredness was just due to overwork.

Seem to be in one of my grumpy single moods again.  Maybe I should just become a pickup artist.  Hell, it was good enough for Richard Feynman :)

Decided not to go out.  Evening spent watching Neverending Story.  Will leave Watchmen until I'm feeling a bit better too.

Played Portal. Finished Portal.  Finally actually get the cake references.  I like puzzle games. 
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