Pre nano warmup
Oct. 29th, 2008 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
luckykaaDecided to write a little story before Nano to warm up and try out ideas. This is part 1 of a much longer story but since it's more or less self contained, I might as well post it and let people see what they think.
Not really sure it works quite as well as I'd like. Eddie doesn't have a lot of direction, and really needs more plot at the start. Do quite like the fight towards the end though so you might just want to leap right down there.
And the main character is an unashamed and deliberate author-insertion.
Beside the sea on the plains beneath by mountains, stood the city of Raelsan. Centre of commerce for the surrounding nations. The jewel of the land of Ichini.
Outside the city of Raelsan stood a shack. The shack belonged to Eddie – the Wizards Apprentice. Eddie spent most of his time working in Hessman's magic shop.
The Wizard Hessman didn't like Eddie much. He was jealous of the way Eddie was always happy and that people seemed to warm to Eddie. Hessman tried to avoid doing anything in the shop. He was much happier hobnobbing with the aristocracy than dealing with what he referred to as “the little people”.
Eddie quite liked working in the shop. It meant he got to chat to the people who came in, and since there was often a lot of time when there were no customers, he was able to spend a lot of time reading.
Eddie had been working all morning when Hessman stomped in. He was clearly in a bad mood. Eddie didn't like it when that happened. He tended to bear the brunt of it.
“It's time to look at your work performance”, said Hessman.
“Okay”, said Eddie.
“So, let's see.. You fixed an old man's back problem”
“Yes. He was really happy!”
“We were charging him 20 florins a month just to keep the pain down! What did you go and solve it for?”
“Well, since I fixed his back he's started running 20 miles a day. We make almost as much profit from him from energy drinks”.
“We don't sell energy drinks!”
“Yes we do. I make a batch of my own recipe from bananas and honey each morning”
“What about the lady you sent to Magellan's?”, said Hessman, taking a different tack since he was losing the argument.
“Yes, Magellan was very happy about that. He returned the favour by referring some of his clients to us. He really isn't all that good when it comes to fireblocks”
“You spend most of your day sitting and reading!”
“Well, I do all my chores in the first half hour after I get here. Then I prepare potions for an hour, and then I spend most of the day serving customers when they come in. there's a lot of time between customers though”.
“That's not the point!”
“Well, if there are other jobs that need to be done...”
“You could clean the storage area!”
“Did that this morning”
“Wash out the sinks then”
“I added some Self-Cleaning-Goop to the sinks last week. They'll clean themselves for the next month. And smell of lemons”
“This is unacceptable! I'll not be spoken back to like that! You're fired!”, yelled Hessman, and he kicked Eddie as hard as he could. Eddie flew out of the door and landed face first in the street.
“Ouch, that looked painful”, said a rat a Eddie brushed himself off.
“I'll say”, said Eddie.
“Blimey! It's a taking human! Don't see many of them around. What's your name? I'm Scritch”, said the rat.
“I'm Eddie, and of course I can talk”, said Eddie. “Haven't you heard a human talk before?”
“Nah! Normally they just mumble and growl a bit”
“Oh, that. That's just human talk. Most people can't speak Rat. So, do you want to come back to my place. I might be able to find some bread and possibly a pair of old boots you can chew on”
“Sound fantastic!”, said Scritch, “so what that guy kick you out for?”
Eddie explained as they walked back to his shack.
* * * * * * *
“So, lived in the city long?” Eddie asked Scritch, as they walked back.
“Was born here”, said Scritch. “I know all the best places to get scraps if you ever need to be shown”
“I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever turned into a rat again”, said Eddie.
“It's happened before?”
“Yes. Hessman tends to get a bit upset at times.”
“So, you have any plans for what to do now?”, asked Scritch.
“No idea”, said Eddie. “I guess I'll see if I can get another job somewhere. Maybe Magellan has something to offer”
* * * * * * *
The next day Eddie knocked on Magellan's door.
The large round shape of Magellan appeared in the doorway.
“Hello, Eddie! How are you my boy?”, Magellan was friendly with everyone and loved his food. The love of food showed.
Eddie explained what had happened.
“... so he kicked me out onto the street and now I need a new job”.
“You deserved better treatment than Hessman anyway. He had no idea what a good employee he had”.
“So about a job?”
“I'd love to have you here, Eddie. But you can do better than this. You're a smart fellow. You need to be taught properly – better than I can teach you. Come outside for a moment”
Eddie followed him outside. Magellan pointed to the mountains. “See the temple up there?”
Eddie nodded.
“That's the temple of Mechan. The place where the greatest wizards learned their trade. If you wish to learn, you should go to the temple. Jericho, my tutor went there, and he was one of the greatest wizards of his time”.
“How do I get there?”
“Go through the Valley of Thieves, up the unclimbable cliffs, and then solve the riddle of the two headed dog. It may not be easy. You'll need to make some preparations.
And Magellan helped make some preparations. The first thing he did was light a fire.
Magellan put the frying pan on the fire, and sliced two thick slices of bread as he waited for the fire to heat up. He threw six rashers of bacon and several slices of sausage into the pan and let them sizzle. He then threw in four eggs, some mushrooms and some black pudding, and let it cook. Meanwhile he heated a kettle in his fireplace.
“It's absolutely important that you set off on a full stomach”, he explained, “So what else will you need... I guess some dried meats and fruit, some water, cheese, some porridge oats...”
“I love my food as much as the next man”, said Eddie, but I think I need to leave a bit of space for other things.
“Yes, yes of course. Like dessert. And other things... ”, Magellan started rummaging through his cupboards. “Ah, a grappling hook. This will be useful for the cliffs... a cooking pot, of course, matches, hmmm... maybe you should take some signalling rockets in case you need to call assistance or something...”
“I don't think the thieves in the valley are all that keen on helping troubled travellers”, said Eddie, but he took the rockets anyway.
Magellan threw everything into a pack and put it on Eddies shoulders. Eddie was amazed at how he didn't immediately fall backwards under the weight.
Fully fed and fully equipped, Eddie set off for the Valley of Thieves.
* * * * * * *
Eddie looked to the left and the right. It was clearly a valley. But where were the thieves?
Just as he was pondering this, he heard a rustling in the bushes as six heavy set bearded dwarves stepped out. A short time later a seventh stepped out.
“Seven deadly dwarves, at your service!” said the closest one. I'm Greed and I'm in charge! The chap eating the chicken is Gluttony, and these are Pride, Envy, Lust and Wrath. Finally getting round to showing himself back there is Sloth.
“Hello”, said Eddie. I'm Eddie. How can I help?
“You can help by giving us all of your money”, said Greed.
“And that very nice hat you have”, said Envy.
“No”, said Eddie.
“You have to give up now. There's no way you can defeat us”, said Pride.
“Yeah”, said Envy.
“DO WHAT HE SAYS OR I'll CHOP YOU UP AND EAT ALL THE PIECES!!!”, yelled Wrath, “I'LL KILL YOU!!!”
“So, you're in charge of this band?”, Eddie asked Greed.
“I am indeed”, said Greed.
“Yeah”, said Envy.
“And the others thing it's fair that you have the all the authority?”
“Of course”, said Greed.
“So I take it there's a seven way split”
“No. I get two shares. Everyone else gets one”.
“That hardly seems fair”, said Eddie, “Do you do twice as much work?”
“I am the leader”, said Greed
“Yeah”, said Envy, “... Wait! He's got a point, I deserve at least as much as you!”
“What!?”, said Pride. “If that lazy tyke gets two shares I should get three. I do much more work than him and three time as much as Sloth or Gluttony!”
“EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP ARGUING! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROBBERY HERE!!!!”, Yelled Wrath
“STOP SHOUTING!”, yelled Sloth, who had now caught up.
“And, don't you compare me to Sloth!”, said Gluttony to Pride “He's a slacker. I pull my weight”
“You are most of the weight”, said Pride.
“How dare you”, said Gluttony, and punched Pride square in the jaw.
“DON'T! TELL! ME! WHAT! TO! DO!”, said Wrath, charging at Sloth.
“Wait, stop”, said Lust stepping between them, “We shouldn't be fighting each other”.
Wrath pushed him to the side. Lust wasn't happy about that and dived at Wrath, fists raised. Greed stepped between them hoping to break them up but was soon engaged in a three way fight. Envy, jealous of the action started hitting Greed and gluttony. Sloth was lazily sitting at the side, watching them, until he was pulled into the fight by Wrath. Soon all seven of the dwarves were in a huge pile of flailing fists and feet.
“Well, that was easy”, said Eddie.
And they walked on.
Several miles further on, they saw a large tanned man standing in the road.
“Hello”, said Eddie, “May I pass?”
Eddie knew he was wasting his time asking this question. People standing in the middle of the road, especially people standing in the middle of the road in a place known as “The Valley Of Thieves” generally weren't going to step out of the way just because you ask nicely. Generally speaking they wanted to rob you. Eddie asked anyway because he had been brought up to be polite.
“You may not pass unless you give me all your money”
Eddie thought about this. He had a few copper coins and a lot of brass washers and curtain rings.
Scritch whispered something in Eddie's ear and disappeared behind the thief.
“Okay, here you are”, said Eddie throwing his money bag at the thief's feet.
Eddie ran past, and picked up Scritch. “Run”, said Scritch, so Eddie ran as fast as he could.
As they ran, Eddie noticed that Scritch was holding a money bag.
“Is that what I think it is?”, asked Eddie.
“Yup. Swiped it from the thief when he bent over. Gotta be a dozen gold coins and twenty silver in here”
“So that was the plan. I'm not sure theft is all that honourable”, said Eddie.
“It's not theft. It was a fair exchange. He robbed from you. I stole from him. He's not in a position to complain”
Eddie quickened his pace as he heard an angry roar from behind.
* * * * * * *
Eddie looked up at the sheer cliff face. The cliffs were a solid wall going round until they reached a waterfall. On the other side of the cliffs was a scree slope.
“So these are the unclimbable cliffs!”
“Yeah, Boss. How are we going to get up?”, asked Scritch.
Eddie tried climbing. The cliffs were perfectly smooth. No handhold or foothold. He tried climbing the scree slope. He managed to get a certain distance but jut started slipping down again.
Eddie took off his pack and found the grappling hook. He tied a rope to the grappling hook, and threw it as hard as he could.
Up into the air went the grappling hook, as Eddie, and Scritch watched.
Eddie and Scritch then ran out the way as it it fell towards them.
“You throw like a wuss”, said Scritch.
Eddie sat down and pondered what to do. The grappling hook had barely reached half way up the cliff edge.
He decided to go through his pack. He found some slightly squished dates, so he sat and ate them as he pondered.
He also found some cheese, signal rockets, the cooking pot and some matches.
Eddie looked at the items on the ground and had an idea. He shoved the back of the grappling hook into the ground, and tied the signalling rockets to it. Then struck a match and lit the rocket.
WHOOOOSH! The grappling hook launched straight into the air, far above them and fell on the top of the cliff. Eddie tugged the rope to make sure it was secure, repacked his pack and started climbing.
* * * * * * *
At the top of the cliffs Eddie stood on a ledge. He could make out the temple in the distance. There were more cliffs here with a path running between them. Eddie took the path.
Eventually he came to a fork in the path. At the fork was a two-headed dog.
“We are Varlug”, said the first head, “I always tell the truth. He always lies”
“No, we are Lugvar”, said the other head, “He always lies. I tell the truth”.
“I've heard about this”, said Scritch. “One path leads to the temple. The other path leads to the pit of fire. You have to work out what to ask the two headed dog to get to the temple”
“Well, that's easy!”, said Eddie. “Okay, Lugvar, Varlug. Did you know that they're giving away free doggy treats in the temple?”
“Yes I did”, said the head that introduced itself as Lugvar.
“Really!?”, said the head that introduced itself as Varlug. Varlug (or Lugvar) turned round and started running down the path.
“I think the temple's down the path the dog ran down”, said Eddie.
“You know, you were meant to solve the riddle. You should have just asked what the other head would have said”
“Why? This way worked just as well”, said Eddie.
* * * * * * *
The rest of the journey was not too hard. While the mountain was steep, the path was clear and steps had been cut in places. It was getting quite late when Eddie climbed up and finally saw the temple again. The temple had been built around the landscape as though it was hugging the mountain. Floors were arranged in a sort of step pattern so even though one side was five floors higher than the other, at no part was the building more than two floors from the ground. Unusually for a temple, there was a windmill with large triangular cloth sails. Stone steps led up to a large double wooden door.
Eddie climbed the steps to the entrance and knocked at the door.
“Hello!!”, shouted Eddie, “Anyone home?”
Some time later, the door opened. A monk appeared. He was small, dressed in an orange robe, and appeared to be made entirely of metal. “Hello, traveller. You will be tired. Come in and we will provide for you. I am Neo and this is the temple of Mechan.”, he said, and turned. Eddie saw a large key in his back, turning slowly.
“Thankyou”, said Eddie, and he stepped in, remembering to remove his shoes.
“We shall inform the abbot. In the meantime, you will rest. Come to the dining hall. We shall prepare a meal for you”.
The mechanical monk of hobbled down the corridor. Eddie followed. He noticed a groove running along the floor. It forked in places with the forks leading to adjacent rooms.
The dining hall contained a long low table, surrounded by sections of carpet. The groove ran around the carpet, with forks leading between the various sections. The groove had more forks leading to various doors around the room.
“I shall tell the kitchen to prepare a meal. The abbot may join you. He likes to meet travellers”, said the monk, and it turned and disappeared through one of the doors. Eddie sat cross legged by the table and waited.
A door swung open, and another mechanical monk appeared. It was carrying two trays. Unlike the other monk, this one had a single leg, which slotted into the groove.
The monk glided in smoothly. It placed one tray in front of Eddie and the other further down the table. “The Abbot Tlenar will join you soon”, it said in in a much more mechanical voice than the other monk. It then reversed glided back the way it came and bashed through the doors.
Another door opened an in walked a wizened bald headed monk with a cane. He slammed the cane down as he walked and it made a clacking noise on the ground.
“Abbot Tlenar?”, said Eddie.
“Indeed that is me, that is me. So you must be the young man who tricked Varlug”.
“I hope he wasn't too upset about that”
“Oh no. We gave him some biscuits and he was delighted. So what brings you to our temple?”
“I'm here to learn wizardry”, said Eddie.
“Hmm. Yes, Magellan told me you would be coming. Well, we don't let just anyone learn. You have to pass certain tests. You came through the Valley of Thieves, so you must be brave. You managed to climb the unclimbable cliffs, so you must be inventive, and you managed to pass the riddle of the two headed dog...”
He stopped and pondered for a few seconds.
“Now normally that would show that you are wise. But I think in this case, it shows that you're sneaky. A very useful skill indeed my boy. Very useful, hmmm, a very useful skill. We'll have to work on wisdom but that can be learned. Yes, it can be learned, can be learned indeed. So we shall start, hmmm, well, why not start right now. Anything you'd like to know?”
“How did you know I was coming?”, asked Eddie.
“Ah, delightful. You show curiosity! It's all done with mirrors!”
“Mirrors?”
“Magellan has a mirror that he uses to flash the sunlight and can use the flashes to spell out messages. Simple really. Terribly simple. I can flash messages back again. We usually use it to play chess.”
The abbot went into more detail about how it all works, but eventually excused himself. He seemed to believe in early nights. A mechanical monk was instructed to show Eddie to a guest room.
* * * * * * *
Eddie awoke the next day and stepped out of the room. Robotic monks were milling around, opening shutters, sweeping, and refilling lamps. Eddie heard the sound of chimes, and all the monks stopped, headed to the main hall and started chanting.
After a few minutes, the monks abruptly stopped chanting, returned to their previous positions and carried on as though they had never stopped.
Eddie found the one named Neo. “Where can I find the abbot?”, Eddie asked.
“We shall fetch him. Please wait”.
He stopped one of the groove riding monks, and told it to fetch the abbot. The groove riding monk rushed off down the corridor. Eddie watched as other monks in the groove moved out of its way. Seconds later it came whizzing back along its track.
“I have sent for the abbot. He shall be here any minute”, said the groove running monk.
Some time later the abbot appeared.
“Hello, dear boy. So, training. Well, I guess it's time to start”, said the abbot, leading Eddie to a room. The room had covers on the floor, and there was a pile of tins of paint and brushes in the corner.
“Your first task is to paint the ceiling of this hall. The supplies are in the corner”. The abbot disappeared to do whatever he did all day.
Eddie looked at the supplies. There was some paint and some brushes. He looked up. The ceiling was a good three times his height. He held a brush and tried jumping. Of course he got nowhere near the ceiling. He looked at the other painting supplies. There was some string and some bamboo.
“Looks like he's got you doing his odd jobs”, said Scritch.
“I think it's actually a test”, said Eddie.
The first thing he tried was tying several pieces of bamboo together and tying the brush to the end of it. He could reach the ceiling that way but couldn't really paint. He just dabbed a few splotches on the ceiling. He also found it rather hard to put more paint on the brush.
The next thing he tried was building a scaffold and climbing up to paint the ceiling directly. That was easier but climbing up and down to move the scaffold was hard, and the scaffold was wobbly. He tried making it lower and tied a single piece of bamboo to a brush. This was a lot easier. He could cover a much larger area of the ceiling. It still seemed far too hard work though. What he really needed was a better brush.
He looked at the remaining supplies. There was some stiff wire, pieces of wood, bits of cloth, some short pieces of bamboo of various sizes, and some nails.
Eddie then noticed that the thinnest pieces of bamboo would fit inside the largest and would spin. By wrapping some cloth around it and making a handle, Eddie made himself a roller. He experimented and found that he could cover large areas perfectly.
Some time later Eddie had finished. He sat down and admired his handiwork. A short time later, Tlenar came through the door.
“Ah, finished already? Why, I think that's beaten Jericho's record. I'll have to find a harder challenge”. He looked at Eddie's roller, “Very ingenious. As I recall, young Jericho managed to speed things up be tying lots of brushes together but you have managed so much better a finish”.
“Jericho? Magellan's tutor? That must have been decades ago. Were you really here back then?”, said Eddie
“That was a long time ago. Come, let's go for some tea.
* * * * * * *
Tlenar put some sugar and some water in the kettle and hung it above the fire. “I hope you like it with sugar”, he said.
“Yes, but why not add the sugar after it boils?”
“That would make a terrible cup of tea! We're up in the mountains. Water doesn't boil so hot up here”
Eddie wasn't quite sure whether to believe this, but the abbot did make a fantastic cuppa.
* * * * * * *
Over the next few weeks, Eddie learned everything he could.
The Abbot Tlenar taught Eddie how the Mechanical Monks of Mechan were powered by tightly would springs, that were rewound each night by the power from the windmill. Hundreds of tiny links and wheels allowed them to decide what needed to be done. A small set of bellows attached to a metal diaphragm gave them the ability to talk.
The monks that relied on the grooves in the floor were the older models. There were some that were older still and not able to move at all, but those were stupid machines, each only capable of performing a single task. Tlenar had been improving the design for his entire life. The newer ones were much more intelligent and able to operate by themselves. They could even repair each other.
“So you live here alone?”, asked Eddie.
“Oh certainly not. I have all the Mechanical Monks to keep me company. The newest ones are quite capable of conversation. Neo, the one who showed you in, is really quite a chatterbox. But it's always nice to have a non mechanical person to talk to. Always nice. Always nice”
Eddie learned everything about how the monks worked, how they were wound by power from the windmill, and how they could be made to follow simple instructions. The more sophisticated monks were beyond him, but he realised that they still followed a set of rules. Just much a more complicated set.
* * * * * * *
“Why does toast always land butter side down?”, asked Eddie one day at breakfast, having dropped his toast.
“Does it indeed?”, asked Tlenar.
“Seems that way”, said Eddie
“Prove it then.”
“Don't you believe me?”
“Prove it.”
So Eddie went down to the kitchen and instructed the cooking monks to bake a dozen loaves, slice them, toast them and spread butter on them. He went to the great hall, and he and Tlenar took them one at a time and threw each one in the air. Afterwards, he collected the slices that landed butter side up in one pile and those that landed butter side down in another.
“So that's a hundred and twenty two slices butter side down and one hundred and fourteen butter side up, and 4 eaten because I got hungry”, said Eddie.
“Which means?”, asked Tlenar
“That they don't always land butter side down. But I don't remember ever dropping my toast normally and it ending up the other way”
“And this is why we use science. But let me demonstrate something...”
Tlenar dragged a table to the centre of the room, arranged ten of the slices and pushed them off one at a time with a cane. All ten landed butter side down.
So Eddie spent some time trying to solve the mystery of the toast. Was it something to do with the weight of the buttered side? He climbed up a ladder with some unbuttered toast and some large scoops of butter and dropped them. Toast and butter hit the ground at the same time. He tried this some more. He made a mess of the floor but butter and toast always fell at the same speed.
Eventually he worked it out. The toast tipped on its side as it fell off the table and started to spin. If he pushed it off an exceedingly high table the toast would land upside down half the time. An interesting result. It simply meant that to reduce the problem all we'd need to do is arrange dining rooms such that tables need ladders to use.
* * * * * * *
Eddie really developed an interest in tinkering with machinery. One of his favourite toys was a small mechanical bird. Powered by a miniaturised version of the monk's springs, and made mostly from fine bamboo with silk wings. He released it and it would start flapping, gain height, and usually tip and hit a wall. He never had managed to make it work perfectly but Tlenar was always encouraging. Many things don't work first time. The trick was to learn from the mistakes.
“You'll never get me up in one of them”, said Scritch, less than impressed.
The main problem was that it didn't seem to work when he made it larger. Doubling the size meant almost tripling the wingspan, or using bamboo that was so light and weak that it would collapse when wound.
More successful was his experiment with wind powered transport. First he made a miniaturised version of the windmill and used a belt from that to drive the wheels, but then realised that he might could drive directly with a single sail like a ship.
* * * * * * *
Eddie learned to cook. Eddie had always enjoyed his food, but was usually happy with simple fare. Tlenar felt it was important to know recipes. The food that grew on the mountain was limited, and Tlenar didn't believe in eating meat, but what there was could be combined in all sorts of exciting ways to produce a limitless number of possible feasts.
Scritch particularly like the cooking. Eddie was not afraid to experiment, and this often led to bizarre recipes, some of which he really found unpalatable. As a rat, Scritch really wasn't so fussy.
* * * * * * *
Today Eddie was working on something else. He noticed that steam would force itself out of a pot even if a heavy lid was placed on it. Strap down the lid and put a small hole and a fast jet of steam would escape, and he made a device to capture this.
After a lot of trial and error it seemed to work, and he showed it to Tlenar. The water ran into a heated chamber, turned to steam and was forced through a pipe and jetted out of a pair of nozzles. It spun faster and faster, and then started to slow. Eddie adjusted a control and it became faster again. Then it slowed down and started making a rather unpleasant creaking noise.
“Duck!”, yelled Tlenar, and pushed Eddie to the ground. At that moment, the steam engine exploded, sending fragments of copper and two nozzles in all directions.
“I think that worked well. Just fix ... the ... exploding thing and .... we'll have ... a ... fantastic .. machine. Absolutely ... fantastic.”, said Tlenar. Tlenar always seemed to talk slowly when he was tired.
* * * * * * *
Back at the city, a spot formed on the horizon. The lookout was the first to see it. He know exactly what it was but didn't believe his eyes. He picked up his telescope. Sure enough, flying in towards the castle was a huge green dragon, smoke billowing from it's nostrils. He rang his bell as hard as he could and yelled “DRAGON!”. The lookout on the next tower took up the call.
In no time at all, all the king's archers were lined on the battlements. Catapults were filled with small stones.
As the dragon flew overhead, the archers fired as one, but to no avail. The bounced of the dragon's thick solid scales and fell to the ground. The catapults were fired. Hundreds of stones hit the dragon. This got his attention. He turned, breathed fie on the catapults setting them ablaze, and forcing the men manning them to dive to the floor. He flew past the battlements, smashed at them with his talon, knocking a gaping hole in them as half a dozen archers leapt for their lives.
Wondering what the commotion was about, the king's youngest daughter, Princess Sophie came out.
“Stay inside!”, yelled the king.
The dragon heard him and turned. The princess screamed and started to run back inside, but as she was running her feet got tangled in her skirt, and she fell to the ground. The dragon swooped over and grabbed her. And soared into the air.
The dragon swooped down again. “Now hear this! I shall come back tomorrow! You will stake out your finest cattle for me. As long as you do this, no harm shall come to your princess!”.
The dragon then flapped its powerful wings and flew away, the princess's screams slowly dying out as the dragon disappeared.
Some time later the king appeared on his balcony to address his subjects.
“Our land has been attacked by the most vile of creatures. We will not let this stand! The man rescues my daughter will receive her hand in marriage!”
Many knights set off to rescue the princess. None came back.
* * * * * * *
A monk whizzed into the room when Eddie was finishing up.
“I have a message for the abbot”, said the monk. It was holding a piece of paper with marks on it. Eddie looked at it. He couldn't make head nor tail of the strange circles and dashes. Eddie took the paper and set off to find Tlenar.
He found the abbot sitting in the temple, not moving at all.
Eddie coughed. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie Tlenar him on the shoulder. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie shook Tlenar. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie walked around and noticed there was a hold in the back of Tlenar's robe, and inside the hole he could see a mechanical linkage.
Eddie removed a key from the back of one of the other nearby robots, pushed it into the abbot's back, and started to turn.
The abbot started moving.
“Hmmm. I must have drifted off”, said Tlenar.
“I never realised you were a mechanical monk as well”
“Of course I'm a not mechanical, hmmm, flesh and blood like you my boy. Flesh and blood.”
“But I wound you up”
“Wound up? Oh no, my dear boy. You haven't even slightly annoyed me. You have been the model of politeness. Model of politeness. Now what seems to be the matter?”
“I have a message for you”, said Eddie.
Tlenar looked at the paper, stood up and started tapping the floor with his cane.
“Oh my. This is serious. Serious indeed. The city has been attacked by a dragon. They want me to come and defeat it, and rescue the princess. Honestly, princesses. Sometime I think they only exist to be captured and rescued”
“So are we going to rescue her?”, asked Eddie
“We? No. Not both of us”.
“Just you? But I'm sure I can help”
“Hee hee. Me!? I'm far too old for that sort of thing. Far too old. No Eddie. You must go.”
“Me!?”
“Yes. I think you have learned all you're going to learn here. You've certainly learned the important lessons. Now you'll need to find a way to get there quickly. How well does your sailcart work?”
“No way am I going to get on that!”, said Scritch
* * * * * * *
Eddie held on tight, and leaned into the wind. Scritch held tighly on to Eddie. The wind was blowing strongly, side on. Curiously, the sailcart always seemed to go faster than the wind when it was blowing to the side. He picked up speed as he rushed down the mountain paths. Deciding he was probably travelling fast enough, he folded the sail down, and held on to the cart.
The first curve seemed to be coming up disturbingly quickly. He leaned to the right. A clever steering mechanism meant the cart turned the direction he leaned. The path straightened. The cart picked up more speed, and headed down the mountain path.
The cart rumbled on. The path turned left, and Eddie leaned left, Then to the right, Eddie leaned right. The cart went up the side of a bank and Eddie was at a right angle to the ground. Eddie shot out of the forest and saw that he was approaching the cliffs.
Eddie thought quickly, and had an idea. The sail was attached to the car in two places. The bottom and the middle of the sail frame. By removing the sail from the bottom socket he could flip the sail horizontally. Eddie held on tight. Scritch covered his eyes.
The cart went off the edge of the cliff dropped a little and, to Eddies surprise, briefly started to rise slightly.
Without the land bouncing him up and down, it was so smooth. So quiet. Eddie looked around. He could see the valley underneath him. Eddie saw the city was over the the right. He tried leaning to the right, and the sailcart banked. He leaned further. It banked further slid sideways and started to drop.
Eddie didn't panic. Clearly this was one of those cases where panic didn't help. Also one of those times where failure is best avoided. So why was he dropping so fast? He looked at the sail. It was flapping uselessly in the breeze. The wind was rushing past his head. The wind! The sail works best when pointed into the wind.
He turned the sail to the direction he was falling. The sail stopped flapping and puffed out. The front tipped upwards slightly and swooped just above the top of a hill at the side of the valley. Eddie breathed a sigh of relief, and leaned, much more carefully this time, to turn toward the city.
He flew along the valley but saw the ground was coming closer. He'd have to bring this in for a landing. He tilted the cart so the back wheels would tough the ground first.
In the distance, he saw the Seven Deadly Dwarves standing in a tight formation. Eddie closed his eyes as he closed in. The dwarves dived out of the way and scattered like skittles.
The cart came into land, touched the ground, and landed softly. It kept rolling, and the wind was now behind him, so Eddie returned the sail to its upright position, and headed for the plains.
Eddie continued whizzing along at some speed past bemused looking sheep and cows, but after some time, the wind started to die down and the sailcart slowed.
Eddie stopped the sailcart and looked around.
“If there are cows, there's probably a dairy farm around here somewhere. Should ask for directions. I don't suppose you know how to speak to cows?”, said Eddie.
“Of course not”, said Scritch, “Cows are just animals. They can't talk”.
Eddie tied the cart to a tree and started walking in the direction that he hoped the farmhouse would be in.
* * * * * * *
Besdide the path sat a young man.
“Hi”, said Eddie, “I'm Eddie, and this is Scritch. We're off to rescue a princess”
“Good day to you”, said the man with the lute “My name is Alvaro the travelling bard. I sing stories of great adventures and action and drama, and tales of love and anguish. I tell tales of mystery and intrigue.”
“Would you like to come along. I'd like to hear these stories and songs of yours”, said Eddie.
“Ah. Well, there's the problem. I don't actually have any tales. I'm hoping to find some adventurers so that I may tell their tales”
“Maybe we'll meet some on the way”, said Eddie.
“Sounds exciting”, said Alvaro,
“First though, I need to find the farmhouse”, said Eddie. “Do you know the way?”
“Of course”, said Alvaro.
* * * * * * *
Eddie found the farmer and bought several urns of Milk.
“So do you have a wheelbarrow to carry all this?” asked Eddie.
“Of course”, I've got an old one I can sell you.
“Any cocoa?”
“I think I have a few bags. What are your plans? To make cocoa for an army?”
“Something like that. Have you a large cauldron and a wooden spoon?”
Eddie paid for all this quite generously with the gold that Scritch had stolen from the thief some time ago. Pleased with his purchase they set off to the caves.
* * * * * * *
As they got closer to the cave, the path became rocky and it was no longer possible to push the wheelbarrow so they left it under the mouth of the cave.
Eddie climbed up the rocks and stepped into the cave. There was a large passage leading deeper inside the cave, so Eddie followed. It was dark but Eddie saw a hint of a glow further down, and a strong smell of sulphur. Eventually he reached the source of the glow and the smell.
There was a chamber the size of the castle's ballroom, but much higher. On the floor of the chamber was a huge pile of gleaming gold, and sitting on the gold was a dragon.
Scattered around the edges of the cave were scraps of dented and bashed armour.
Eddie dashed out of the cave.
“Did you see the dragon?” asked Alavaro
“Yes. Huge beast. No wonder nobody could defeat it”.
“So what do we do now?”
“Now, we make cocoa”, said Eddie
Eddie and Alvaro lugged the milk, the cauldron, the rest of the ingredients and some firewood up to the mouth of the cave. Eddie made a fire and started heating the milk.
Eddie knew how to make good cocoa. The main thing to do remember is that the milk shouldn't get too hot. The cocoa should be given time to dissolve slowly.
When the coca was made, Eddie hefted the cauldron and took it to just outside the chamber.
“Wait here, and when I hear me cough, start playing that song”, Eddie said to Alvaro. “You stay here too, and make sure he stays awake”, he said to Scritch.
Eddie walked inside “Hello”, he shouted to the dragon. “I'm Eddie, your neighbour. Thought I'd pop round and see how you're settling in”.
“Fantastic!”, said the dragon. “Finally the king has stopped sending me tinned food”.
“Actually, I just thought I'd pop round for a cup of cocoa”, said Eddie.
“Koe Koe? I haven't heard of this. What is it? Some sort of treasure?”
“Better! It's a tasty drink”, and he carried the cauldron to just on front of the dragon.
“It tastes better with a little spice”, said Eddie adding the whole bottle of brandy to the cocoa.
The dragon tenderly dipped a claw into the cocoa and licked it. “That's quite tasty”, he said, and lapped up the whole contents. “Thatsh really veery tashty”, said the dragon. Eddie coughed. There was no music. He coughed again a bit louder.
“Thatsh a nashty cough you got”, said the dragon. Eddie noticed that the dragon seemed to be having trouble focussing on him.
The music started.
Hush, little dragon, down from the skies
Fold your wings and close your eyes,
Curl up tight and fall asleep
Dragon dreams, dream so deep.
“Thatsh a nice shong”, said the dragon, “I uhm. yeah... I'll just take a quick nap and then I'll eat you”. The dragon curled into a ball, closed its eyes and fell asleep.
Outside Scritch and Alvaro heard the snores. Both were expecting Eddie to be out any minute with the princess. After some time there was no sign of anyone.
Scritch ran into the cave and saw the sleeping dragon, and snoring almost as loud, was Eddie lying next to him. Scritch pondered how to wake him. He tried gently shouting in Eddies ear but rats don't have loud enough voices. He prodding Eddie in the ribs, but rats aren't heavy and Eddie barely felt it. Scritch had another idea. He ran under Eddies shirt and dug his claws into Eddie's back as hard as he could.
“Ow, ouch, arrrgh”, yelled Eddie swiping at Scritch.
“Watch it Boss, it's me!”, said Scritch.
“Sorry, Scritch. Didn't realise it was you. But that was really painful”
“Sorry, boss. No choice. Anyway, aren't you meant to be rescuing a princess?”
“Good point”, said Eddie. “She must be around here somewhere”
“Here, boss”, said Scritch. Scritch had found a long gold chain. Eddie followed the chain to a small cave. At the end of the chain asleep on the floor was Princess Sophie.
“Wow! that was a powerful lullaby”, said Eddie, “Hey, wake up your highness. I'm here to rescue you!”
The princess stirred from her sleep. “Oh. Oh my. Are you heroic warrior who's here to save me?”, she said, looking doubtfully at Eddie.
“Uhm. I guess so”, said Eddie. Come on then.
“I am chained up don't you know? You still have to rescue me”
“Hold on”. Eddie ran out and grabbed a couple of swords and a helmet.
“Wow! A mighty blow from a sword to smash the chains”
“Not quite”, said Eddie.
Eddie pushed a sword through a chain link and wedged it under a large rock. Then he grabbed the helmet and hammered the sword in as far as it would go. He grabbed the other sword and put it through the next link, then he started twisting. The chain twisted and buckled and eventually the link broke opened up and the chain broke.
“Oh.”, said the princess.
“Come on”, said Eddie. “We need to get back”.
“Where's you horse?” asked the princess when they were outside.
“Horse?”, said Eddie, “It's only a few miles. I walked”.
“There's no way I'm walking! I'm a princess! Princesses don't walk! Take me back on the cart. I'll suffer that indignity but no more!”
“There's absolutely no way we're dragging you back”, said Eddie
* * * * * * *
“I still have no idea why we gave in”, said Alvaro as they lugged the cart and the princess back to the castle.
“Never mind. We're here now”, he said.
The king came running out to see his daughter. Forgetting all royal propriety he picked her up and hugged her.
“And who do I thank for rescuing her?”, said the king?
“Oh, it was awful, daddy! This wizard did but they didn't even have a horse and he beat the dragon by cheating and he didn't smash the chain in one go and it's all wrong and I wanted to be rescued by a brave and handsome knight, and he's just a scruffy wizard, and there was a rat and it was horrid!”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”, said the king, ignoring his daughter, and shaking Eddie and Alvaro's hands in turn, “I couldn't be happier! What do you want as a reward!”
“I assure you, Eddie did all the hard work. I just provided the music, and the good deed is its own reward”, said Alvaro.
“Food is always good”, said Eddie
“Nonsense!”, said the king turning to Alvaro, “You, shall each receive a sack of gold and silver and gemstones!”
“No food then?” said Eddie.
At this point, Scritch nibbled Eddie to get his attention. “Boss! I hate to break up the party, but that dragon will probably be waking up sometime soon, and he's not going to be happy”.
“Right...”, said Eddie, “I need to go to the kitchen”
“Well, if food is that important to you, I'll order the kitchen to make whatever you want.”
* * * * * * *
“Okay, everybody!”, Eddie said to the kitchen staff. “I need you to whip up all the eggs you can find with sugar! The safety of the kingdom depends on it! Two spoonfuls of sugar for each egg white! Come on! Chop chop!”
The kitchen staff were a bit confused by this. “Egg whites!?”, said the head cook. “How much dessert can you eat?”
“Please!!!”, said Eddie, “It's important! Oh, and I'll need a large bag of ground pepper. And a mirror”
Eddie had the egg white, the bag of pepper and the mirror placed outside the castle walls. He picked up the mirror. He looked at the sun, and pointed the shield at it. He saw the spot of bright light reflected on the ground. He moved the mirror around around and pointed the spot of light at nearby buildings. After a while Eddie was satisfied he could aim the light where he wanted.
Some time later, a dragon shape appeared above the hills in the distance.
When the dragon was close enough, Eddie shifted the shield and shone the spot right into the dragon's eyes. The dragon swerved left but Eddie kept the reflection of the sun in the dragons eyes. The dragon tried rising, swerving, left, swerving right but it couldn't shake the light out of its eyes. It tried diving, but unable to see properly, hit the ground and tumbled, rolling over and over like a runaway cannonball.
The dragon shook itself to its feet. “Who dares?”, said the dragon. “Who challenges me?”
“Eddie the wizard does!” yelled Eddie in response, “These are not your cattle! They belong to the people of the kingdom”
“You again? Well, I haven't snacked on wizards for some time. I accept your challenge!”
“And if you win?”
“I get to eat you”
“Fair enough, said Eddie. I recommend wizard pavlova”, and he scooped the frothy egg white and sugar mixture out of the pot and covered himself in it.
The dragon looked at him. Dragon faces don't convey as much emotion as human faces do, but this one certainly looked a little bemused.
“Well, come on!”, said Eddie.
The dragon took a deep breath, and sent out a jet of fire. Eddie closed his eyes and crouched down. The egg whites started to brown, and then blacken, but Eddie was fine. Protected from the heat by a cocoon of meringue.
The dragon charged forward and swiped at him, but dragons are slow and clumsy on the ground. Eddie dodged the thrust quite easily. “You'll need to be faster than that”, said Eddie. The dragon breathed fire again but Eddie was still protected by his meringue armour.
The dragon backed away and leaped back into the air. He flew away, and Eddie grabbed for his shield. But the dragon had flown straight towards the sun, and had now turned around and made sure his shadow fell on Eddie. Eddie could no longer use the shield. He ran back to his pile of equipment, grabbed the bag of pepper and flung it as hard as he could at the dragon. The dragon swiped at it with his claw, but this was the worst thing it could do. The pepper exploded right in the dragons face.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
The dragon sneezed and a jet of blue flame came out of its nostrils sending it flying back hundred of yards. It tried flying towards Eddie again.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
The dragon tumbled backwards through the air, a fireball erupting from its nose.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
“Aaaaa-choo-o-o-o!!!”
“aaaa-cho-o-o-o!!!”
The dragon kept sneezing himself backwards, and Eddie watched away and over the horizon.
Eddie collapsed, and started scraping the meringue off himself. Scritch came running up and helped by eating some of it. “Well, that was pretty impressive, boss! So have you won?”
“I really don't know. I think I might have just made it angry”.
Some time later, Scritch's question was answered. The dragon appeared again, still sneezing, but not sneezing explosive fireballs. Eddie realised that the dragon must be out of fire.
The dragon swooped down at Eddie. Eddie dived and was missed by a hair's thickness. Eddie ran back to the castle safely protected against further swoop attacks be the thick caste walls.
The dragon flew down and landed in front of Eddie. Eddie dodge to the side as the dragon lunged, and started running for the castles entrance. “Raise the portcullis”, yelled Eddie. And he heard the clanking as the portcullis was raised.
Eddie ran to the entrance with the dragon pursuing. “Lower the portcullis!” The portcullis dropped on the dragon's neck, wedging the dragon in place.
The dragon tried lifting the portcullis, tried pulling back, and pushing forwards. Eventually it gave up.
“That wasn't fair! I'll get out of here and then I'll pounce on you and and eat you and crunch up your bones and then I'll, I'll... ”
“Oh shush!”, said Eddie. I beat you fair and square. Now you have to go away and leave us alone”
“I will escape from here and destroy this castle. Then I'll eat everyone in it starting with you, little wizard”.
“I'll leave you to consider that and come back later”, said Eddie.
“Keep a perimeter and don't allow anyone else to approach”, said Eddie to the Captain of the guards, and he wandered off.
Some time later the dragon was still pinned under the portcullis. Eddie returned with a cauldron of steaming liquid.
“Here, try some of my honey ginger tea”, said Eddie, putting the cauldron down by the dragon's nose
“No! Last time I had something you made for me it was a trick”, said the dragon.
“Well, fair enough, but if you want some, just ask”, said Eddie. He dropped his tankard onto the cauldron filled it with the tea and drank some.
“That does smell very good”, said the dragon
“It is good”, said Eddie helping himself to another tankard. “Have some”.
“Fine”, said the dragon, and started lapping at the tea.
“My, that is nice. So what's the catch?”
“No catch”, said Eddie.
“I'm still going to get out of here and eat you”, said the dragon. Somehow its heart didn't seem to be in it though.
“Well, I'll give you some time to think about that”, said Eddie and he walked away.
Some time later Eddie reappeared again, dragging a large mirror.
“I have a peace offering”, said Eddie, and put the mirror in front of the dragon.
The dragon peered at the mirror. He moved his head to the left and to the right. Tilted it slightly. Tried closing one eye.
“Is that me?”, asked the dragon, “I'm so handsome! Wow! It's lovely! Can I keep this?”.
“Of course. It's a gift”.
“And can you let me go now please?”
“Do you promise not to bother anyone in the kingdom again”
“After you've been so kind to me? Of course I promise”
“Dragon's bond? I know you can't break that”, said Eddie.
“Dragon's bond”, said the dragon, grudgingly.
So, Eddie signalled for the portcullis to be raised, and the dragon backed away collected the mirror from Eddie and flew away back to its lair.
* * * * * * *
“Well done Eddie”, said Alvaro, “and thank you. Now I have a tale to tell. An epic tale of a wizard defeating a dragon.”
“Won't you stay?” asked Eddie. “I'm sure they'd love to have you here”
“I'm a travelling Bard”, said Alvaro. “I have to travel. Stories aren't going to spread by themselves. This is my calling. Besides, I'm a bit worried that the king might try to reward me again”.
Alvaro ran away. Eddie got the impression that he didn't seem to want to talk to the king.
The king came up to Eddie. Princess Sophie was following him. “Well done both of you! What happened to the other fellow?”
“He had to leave”, said Eddie, “I think there was some sort of musical emergency somewhere”.
“Well, that makes everything a lot easier”, said the king. “As a reward I shall make you a knight. And you shall live in the castle, with servants attending to your every whim”
Eddie was taken aback by this generosity.
“And of course you are to marry my daughter”
“What!?”, said the princess.
“Of course. That was the offer. The man who rescues you was to get your hand in marriage”.
“Marriage!?” said Eddie. Eddie turned white and fainted.
Not really sure it works quite as well as I'd like. Eddie doesn't have a lot of direction, and really needs more plot at the start. Do quite like the fight towards the end though so you might just want to leap right down there.
And the main character is an unashamed and deliberate author-insertion.
Beside the sea on the plains beneath by mountains, stood the city of Raelsan. Centre of commerce for the surrounding nations. The jewel of the land of Ichini.
Outside the city of Raelsan stood a shack. The shack belonged to Eddie – the Wizards Apprentice. Eddie spent most of his time working in Hessman's magic shop.
The Wizard Hessman didn't like Eddie much. He was jealous of the way Eddie was always happy and that people seemed to warm to Eddie. Hessman tried to avoid doing anything in the shop. He was much happier hobnobbing with the aristocracy than dealing with what he referred to as “the little people”.
Eddie quite liked working in the shop. It meant he got to chat to the people who came in, and since there was often a lot of time when there were no customers, he was able to spend a lot of time reading.
Eddie had been working all morning when Hessman stomped in. He was clearly in a bad mood. Eddie didn't like it when that happened. He tended to bear the brunt of it.
“It's time to look at your work performance”, said Hessman.
“Okay”, said Eddie.
“So, let's see.. You fixed an old man's back problem”
“Yes. He was really happy!”
“We were charging him 20 florins a month just to keep the pain down! What did you go and solve it for?”
“Well, since I fixed his back he's started running 20 miles a day. We make almost as much profit from him from energy drinks”.
“We don't sell energy drinks!”
“Yes we do. I make a batch of my own recipe from bananas and honey each morning”
“What about the lady you sent to Magellan's?”, said Hessman, taking a different tack since he was losing the argument.
“Yes, Magellan was very happy about that. He returned the favour by referring some of his clients to us. He really isn't all that good when it comes to fireblocks”
“You spend most of your day sitting and reading!”
“Well, I do all my chores in the first half hour after I get here. Then I prepare potions for an hour, and then I spend most of the day serving customers when they come in. there's a lot of time between customers though”.
“That's not the point!”
“Well, if there are other jobs that need to be done...”
“You could clean the storage area!”
“Did that this morning”
“Wash out the sinks then”
“I added some Self-Cleaning-Goop to the sinks last week. They'll clean themselves for the next month. And smell of lemons”
“This is unacceptable! I'll not be spoken back to like that! You're fired!”, yelled Hessman, and he kicked Eddie as hard as he could. Eddie flew out of the door and landed face first in the street.
“Ouch, that looked painful”, said a rat a Eddie brushed himself off.
“I'll say”, said Eddie.
“Blimey! It's a taking human! Don't see many of them around. What's your name? I'm Scritch”, said the rat.
“I'm Eddie, and of course I can talk”, said Eddie. “Haven't you heard a human talk before?”
“Nah! Normally they just mumble and growl a bit”
“Oh, that. That's just human talk. Most people can't speak Rat. So, do you want to come back to my place. I might be able to find some bread and possibly a pair of old boots you can chew on”
“Sound fantastic!”, said Scritch, “so what that guy kick you out for?”
Eddie explained as they walked back to his shack.
* * * * * * *
“So, lived in the city long?” Eddie asked Scritch, as they walked back.
“Was born here”, said Scritch. “I know all the best places to get scraps if you ever need to be shown”
“I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever turned into a rat again”, said Eddie.
“It's happened before?”
“Yes. Hessman tends to get a bit upset at times.”
“So, you have any plans for what to do now?”, asked Scritch.
“No idea”, said Eddie. “I guess I'll see if I can get another job somewhere. Maybe Magellan has something to offer”
* * * * * * *
The next day Eddie knocked on Magellan's door.
The large round shape of Magellan appeared in the doorway.
“Hello, Eddie! How are you my boy?”, Magellan was friendly with everyone and loved his food. The love of food showed.
Eddie explained what had happened.
“... so he kicked me out onto the street and now I need a new job”.
“You deserved better treatment than Hessman anyway. He had no idea what a good employee he had”.
“So about a job?”
“I'd love to have you here, Eddie. But you can do better than this. You're a smart fellow. You need to be taught properly – better than I can teach you. Come outside for a moment”
Eddie followed him outside. Magellan pointed to the mountains. “See the temple up there?”
Eddie nodded.
“That's the temple of Mechan. The place where the greatest wizards learned their trade. If you wish to learn, you should go to the temple. Jericho, my tutor went there, and he was one of the greatest wizards of his time”.
“How do I get there?”
“Go through the Valley of Thieves, up the unclimbable cliffs, and then solve the riddle of the two headed dog. It may not be easy. You'll need to make some preparations.
And Magellan helped make some preparations. The first thing he did was light a fire.
Magellan put the frying pan on the fire, and sliced two thick slices of bread as he waited for the fire to heat up. He threw six rashers of bacon and several slices of sausage into the pan and let them sizzle. He then threw in four eggs, some mushrooms and some black pudding, and let it cook. Meanwhile he heated a kettle in his fireplace.
“It's absolutely important that you set off on a full stomach”, he explained, “So what else will you need... I guess some dried meats and fruit, some water, cheese, some porridge oats...”
“I love my food as much as the next man”, said Eddie, but I think I need to leave a bit of space for other things.
“Yes, yes of course. Like dessert. And other things... ”, Magellan started rummaging through his cupboards. “Ah, a grappling hook. This will be useful for the cliffs... a cooking pot, of course, matches, hmmm... maybe you should take some signalling rockets in case you need to call assistance or something...”
“I don't think the thieves in the valley are all that keen on helping troubled travellers”, said Eddie, but he took the rockets anyway.
Magellan threw everything into a pack and put it on Eddies shoulders. Eddie was amazed at how he didn't immediately fall backwards under the weight.
Fully fed and fully equipped, Eddie set off for the Valley of Thieves.
* * * * * * *
Eddie looked to the left and the right. It was clearly a valley. But where were the thieves?
Just as he was pondering this, he heard a rustling in the bushes as six heavy set bearded dwarves stepped out. A short time later a seventh stepped out.
“Seven deadly dwarves, at your service!” said the closest one. I'm Greed and I'm in charge! The chap eating the chicken is Gluttony, and these are Pride, Envy, Lust and Wrath. Finally getting round to showing himself back there is Sloth.
“Hello”, said Eddie. I'm Eddie. How can I help?
“You can help by giving us all of your money”, said Greed.
“And that very nice hat you have”, said Envy.
“No”, said Eddie.
“You have to give up now. There's no way you can defeat us”, said Pride.
“Yeah”, said Envy.
“DO WHAT HE SAYS OR I'll CHOP YOU UP AND EAT ALL THE PIECES!!!”, yelled Wrath, “I'LL KILL YOU!!!”
“So, you're in charge of this band?”, Eddie asked Greed.
“I am indeed”, said Greed.
“Yeah”, said Envy.
“And the others thing it's fair that you have the all the authority?”
“Of course”, said Greed.
“So I take it there's a seven way split”
“No. I get two shares. Everyone else gets one”.
“That hardly seems fair”, said Eddie, “Do you do twice as much work?”
“I am the leader”, said Greed
“Yeah”, said Envy, “... Wait! He's got a point, I deserve at least as much as you!”
“What!?”, said Pride. “If that lazy tyke gets two shares I should get three. I do much more work than him and three time as much as Sloth or Gluttony!”
“EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP ARGUING! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROBBERY HERE!!!!”, Yelled Wrath
“STOP SHOUTING!”, yelled Sloth, who had now caught up.
“And, don't you compare me to Sloth!”, said Gluttony to Pride “He's a slacker. I pull my weight”
“You are most of the weight”, said Pride.
“How dare you”, said Gluttony, and punched Pride square in the jaw.
“DON'T! TELL! ME! WHAT! TO! DO!”, said Wrath, charging at Sloth.
“Wait, stop”, said Lust stepping between them, “We shouldn't be fighting each other”.
Wrath pushed him to the side. Lust wasn't happy about that and dived at Wrath, fists raised. Greed stepped between them hoping to break them up but was soon engaged in a three way fight. Envy, jealous of the action started hitting Greed and gluttony. Sloth was lazily sitting at the side, watching them, until he was pulled into the fight by Wrath. Soon all seven of the dwarves were in a huge pile of flailing fists and feet.
“Well, that was easy”, said Eddie.
And they walked on.
Several miles further on, they saw a large tanned man standing in the road.
“Hello”, said Eddie, “May I pass?”
Eddie knew he was wasting his time asking this question. People standing in the middle of the road, especially people standing in the middle of the road in a place known as “The Valley Of Thieves” generally weren't going to step out of the way just because you ask nicely. Generally speaking they wanted to rob you. Eddie asked anyway because he had been brought up to be polite.
“You may not pass unless you give me all your money”
Eddie thought about this. He had a few copper coins and a lot of brass washers and curtain rings.
Scritch whispered something in Eddie's ear and disappeared behind the thief.
“Okay, here you are”, said Eddie throwing his money bag at the thief's feet.
Eddie ran past, and picked up Scritch. “Run”, said Scritch, so Eddie ran as fast as he could.
As they ran, Eddie noticed that Scritch was holding a money bag.
“Is that what I think it is?”, asked Eddie.
“Yup. Swiped it from the thief when he bent over. Gotta be a dozen gold coins and twenty silver in here”
“So that was the plan. I'm not sure theft is all that honourable”, said Eddie.
“It's not theft. It was a fair exchange. He robbed from you. I stole from him. He's not in a position to complain”
Eddie quickened his pace as he heard an angry roar from behind.
* * * * * * *
Eddie looked up at the sheer cliff face. The cliffs were a solid wall going round until they reached a waterfall. On the other side of the cliffs was a scree slope.
“So these are the unclimbable cliffs!”
“Yeah, Boss. How are we going to get up?”, asked Scritch.
Eddie tried climbing. The cliffs were perfectly smooth. No handhold or foothold. He tried climbing the scree slope. He managed to get a certain distance but jut started slipping down again.
Eddie took off his pack and found the grappling hook. He tied a rope to the grappling hook, and threw it as hard as he could.
Up into the air went the grappling hook, as Eddie, and Scritch watched.
Eddie and Scritch then ran out the way as it it fell towards them.
“You throw like a wuss”, said Scritch.
Eddie sat down and pondered what to do. The grappling hook had barely reached half way up the cliff edge.
He decided to go through his pack. He found some slightly squished dates, so he sat and ate them as he pondered.
He also found some cheese, signal rockets, the cooking pot and some matches.
Eddie looked at the items on the ground and had an idea. He shoved the back of the grappling hook into the ground, and tied the signalling rockets to it. Then struck a match and lit the rocket.
WHOOOOSH! The grappling hook launched straight into the air, far above them and fell on the top of the cliff. Eddie tugged the rope to make sure it was secure, repacked his pack and started climbing.
* * * * * * *
At the top of the cliffs Eddie stood on a ledge. He could make out the temple in the distance. There were more cliffs here with a path running between them. Eddie took the path.
Eventually he came to a fork in the path. At the fork was a two-headed dog.
“We are Varlug”, said the first head, “I always tell the truth. He always lies”
“No, we are Lugvar”, said the other head, “He always lies. I tell the truth”.
“I've heard about this”, said Scritch. “One path leads to the temple. The other path leads to the pit of fire. You have to work out what to ask the two headed dog to get to the temple”
“Well, that's easy!”, said Eddie. “Okay, Lugvar, Varlug. Did you know that they're giving away free doggy treats in the temple?”
“Yes I did”, said the head that introduced itself as Lugvar.
“Really!?”, said the head that introduced itself as Varlug. Varlug (or Lugvar) turned round and started running down the path.
“I think the temple's down the path the dog ran down”, said Eddie.
“You know, you were meant to solve the riddle. You should have just asked what the other head would have said”
“Why? This way worked just as well”, said Eddie.
* * * * * * *
The rest of the journey was not too hard. While the mountain was steep, the path was clear and steps had been cut in places. It was getting quite late when Eddie climbed up and finally saw the temple again. The temple had been built around the landscape as though it was hugging the mountain. Floors were arranged in a sort of step pattern so even though one side was five floors higher than the other, at no part was the building more than two floors from the ground. Unusually for a temple, there was a windmill with large triangular cloth sails. Stone steps led up to a large double wooden door.
Eddie climbed the steps to the entrance and knocked at the door.
“Hello!!”, shouted Eddie, “Anyone home?”
Some time later, the door opened. A monk appeared. He was small, dressed in an orange robe, and appeared to be made entirely of metal. “Hello, traveller. You will be tired. Come in and we will provide for you. I am Neo and this is the temple of Mechan.”, he said, and turned. Eddie saw a large key in his back, turning slowly.
“Thankyou”, said Eddie, and he stepped in, remembering to remove his shoes.
“We shall inform the abbot. In the meantime, you will rest. Come to the dining hall. We shall prepare a meal for you”.
The mechanical monk of hobbled down the corridor. Eddie followed. He noticed a groove running along the floor. It forked in places with the forks leading to adjacent rooms.
The dining hall contained a long low table, surrounded by sections of carpet. The groove ran around the carpet, with forks leading between the various sections. The groove had more forks leading to various doors around the room.
“I shall tell the kitchen to prepare a meal. The abbot may join you. He likes to meet travellers”, said the monk, and it turned and disappeared through one of the doors. Eddie sat cross legged by the table and waited.
A door swung open, and another mechanical monk appeared. It was carrying two trays. Unlike the other monk, this one had a single leg, which slotted into the groove.
The monk glided in smoothly. It placed one tray in front of Eddie and the other further down the table. “The Abbot Tlenar will join you soon”, it said in in a much more mechanical voice than the other monk. It then reversed glided back the way it came and bashed through the doors.
Another door opened an in walked a wizened bald headed monk with a cane. He slammed the cane down as he walked and it made a clacking noise on the ground.
“Abbot Tlenar?”, said Eddie.
“Indeed that is me, that is me. So you must be the young man who tricked Varlug”.
“I hope he wasn't too upset about that”
“Oh no. We gave him some biscuits and he was delighted. So what brings you to our temple?”
“I'm here to learn wizardry”, said Eddie.
“Hmm. Yes, Magellan told me you would be coming. Well, we don't let just anyone learn. You have to pass certain tests. You came through the Valley of Thieves, so you must be brave. You managed to climb the unclimbable cliffs, so you must be inventive, and you managed to pass the riddle of the two headed dog...”
He stopped and pondered for a few seconds.
“Now normally that would show that you are wise. But I think in this case, it shows that you're sneaky. A very useful skill indeed my boy. Very useful, hmmm, a very useful skill. We'll have to work on wisdom but that can be learned. Yes, it can be learned, can be learned indeed. So we shall start, hmmm, well, why not start right now. Anything you'd like to know?”
“How did you know I was coming?”, asked Eddie.
“Ah, delightful. You show curiosity! It's all done with mirrors!”
“Mirrors?”
“Magellan has a mirror that he uses to flash the sunlight and can use the flashes to spell out messages. Simple really. Terribly simple. I can flash messages back again. We usually use it to play chess.”
The abbot went into more detail about how it all works, but eventually excused himself. He seemed to believe in early nights. A mechanical monk was instructed to show Eddie to a guest room.
* * * * * * *
Eddie awoke the next day and stepped out of the room. Robotic monks were milling around, opening shutters, sweeping, and refilling lamps. Eddie heard the sound of chimes, and all the monks stopped, headed to the main hall and started chanting.
After a few minutes, the monks abruptly stopped chanting, returned to their previous positions and carried on as though they had never stopped.
Eddie found the one named Neo. “Where can I find the abbot?”, Eddie asked.
“We shall fetch him. Please wait”.
He stopped one of the groove riding monks, and told it to fetch the abbot. The groove riding monk rushed off down the corridor. Eddie watched as other monks in the groove moved out of its way. Seconds later it came whizzing back along its track.
“I have sent for the abbot. He shall be here any minute”, said the groove running monk.
Some time later the abbot appeared.
“Hello, dear boy. So, training. Well, I guess it's time to start”, said the abbot, leading Eddie to a room. The room had covers on the floor, and there was a pile of tins of paint and brushes in the corner.
“Your first task is to paint the ceiling of this hall. The supplies are in the corner”. The abbot disappeared to do whatever he did all day.
Eddie looked at the supplies. There was some paint and some brushes. He looked up. The ceiling was a good three times his height. He held a brush and tried jumping. Of course he got nowhere near the ceiling. He looked at the other painting supplies. There was some string and some bamboo.
“Looks like he's got you doing his odd jobs”, said Scritch.
“I think it's actually a test”, said Eddie.
The first thing he tried was tying several pieces of bamboo together and tying the brush to the end of it. He could reach the ceiling that way but couldn't really paint. He just dabbed a few splotches on the ceiling. He also found it rather hard to put more paint on the brush.
The next thing he tried was building a scaffold and climbing up to paint the ceiling directly. That was easier but climbing up and down to move the scaffold was hard, and the scaffold was wobbly. He tried making it lower and tied a single piece of bamboo to a brush. This was a lot easier. He could cover a much larger area of the ceiling. It still seemed far too hard work though. What he really needed was a better brush.
He looked at the remaining supplies. There was some stiff wire, pieces of wood, bits of cloth, some short pieces of bamboo of various sizes, and some nails.
Eddie then noticed that the thinnest pieces of bamboo would fit inside the largest and would spin. By wrapping some cloth around it and making a handle, Eddie made himself a roller. He experimented and found that he could cover large areas perfectly.
Some time later Eddie had finished. He sat down and admired his handiwork. A short time later, Tlenar came through the door.
“Ah, finished already? Why, I think that's beaten Jericho's record. I'll have to find a harder challenge”. He looked at Eddie's roller, “Very ingenious. As I recall, young Jericho managed to speed things up be tying lots of brushes together but you have managed so much better a finish”.
“Jericho? Magellan's tutor? That must have been decades ago. Were you really here back then?”, said Eddie
“That was a long time ago. Come, let's go for some tea.
* * * * * * *
Tlenar put some sugar and some water in the kettle and hung it above the fire. “I hope you like it with sugar”, he said.
“Yes, but why not add the sugar after it boils?”
“That would make a terrible cup of tea! We're up in the mountains. Water doesn't boil so hot up here”
Eddie wasn't quite sure whether to believe this, but the abbot did make a fantastic cuppa.
* * * * * * *
Over the next few weeks, Eddie learned everything he could.
The Abbot Tlenar taught Eddie how the Mechanical Monks of Mechan were powered by tightly would springs, that were rewound each night by the power from the windmill. Hundreds of tiny links and wheels allowed them to decide what needed to be done. A small set of bellows attached to a metal diaphragm gave them the ability to talk.
The monks that relied on the grooves in the floor were the older models. There were some that were older still and not able to move at all, but those were stupid machines, each only capable of performing a single task. Tlenar had been improving the design for his entire life. The newer ones were much more intelligent and able to operate by themselves. They could even repair each other.
“So you live here alone?”, asked Eddie.
“Oh certainly not. I have all the Mechanical Monks to keep me company. The newest ones are quite capable of conversation. Neo, the one who showed you in, is really quite a chatterbox. But it's always nice to have a non mechanical person to talk to. Always nice. Always nice”
Eddie learned everything about how the monks worked, how they were wound by power from the windmill, and how they could be made to follow simple instructions. The more sophisticated monks were beyond him, but he realised that they still followed a set of rules. Just much a more complicated set.
* * * * * * *
“Why does toast always land butter side down?”, asked Eddie one day at breakfast, having dropped his toast.
“Does it indeed?”, asked Tlenar.
“Seems that way”, said Eddie
“Prove it then.”
“Don't you believe me?”
“Prove it.”
So Eddie went down to the kitchen and instructed the cooking monks to bake a dozen loaves, slice them, toast them and spread butter on them. He went to the great hall, and he and Tlenar took them one at a time and threw each one in the air. Afterwards, he collected the slices that landed butter side up in one pile and those that landed butter side down in another.
“So that's a hundred and twenty two slices butter side down and one hundred and fourteen butter side up, and 4 eaten because I got hungry”, said Eddie.
“Which means?”, asked Tlenar
“That they don't always land butter side down. But I don't remember ever dropping my toast normally and it ending up the other way”
“And this is why we use science. But let me demonstrate something...”
Tlenar dragged a table to the centre of the room, arranged ten of the slices and pushed them off one at a time with a cane. All ten landed butter side down.
So Eddie spent some time trying to solve the mystery of the toast. Was it something to do with the weight of the buttered side? He climbed up a ladder with some unbuttered toast and some large scoops of butter and dropped them. Toast and butter hit the ground at the same time. He tried this some more. He made a mess of the floor but butter and toast always fell at the same speed.
Eventually he worked it out. The toast tipped on its side as it fell off the table and started to spin. If he pushed it off an exceedingly high table the toast would land upside down half the time. An interesting result. It simply meant that to reduce the problem all we'd need to do is arrange dining rooms such that tables need ladders to use.
* * * * * * *
Eddie really developed an interest in tinkering with machinery. One of his favourite toys was a small mechanical bird. Powered by a miniaturised version of the monk's springs, and made mostly from fine bamboo with silk wings. He released it and it would start flapping, gain height, and usually tip and hit a wall. He never had managed to make it work perfectly but Tlenar was always encouraging. Many things don't work first time. The trick was to learn from the mistakes.
“You'll never get me up in one of them”, said Scritch, less than impressed.
The main problem was that it didn't seem to work when he made it larger. Doubling the size meant almost tripling the wingspan, or using bamboo that was so light and weak that it would collapse when wound.
More successful was his experiment with wind powered transport. First he made a miniaturised version of the windmill and used a belt from that to drive the wheels, but then realised that he might could drive directly with a single sail like a ship.
* * * * * * *
Eddie learned to cook. Eddie had always enjoyed his food, but was usually happy with simple fare. Tlenar felt it was important to know recipes. The food that grew on the mountain was limited, and Tlenar didn't believe in eating meat, but what there was could be combined in all sorts of exciting ways to produce a limitless number of possible feasts.
Scritch particularly like the cooking. Eddie was not afraid to experiment, and this often led to bizarre recipes, some of which he really found unpalatable. As a rat, Scritch really wasn't so fussy.
* * * * * * *
Today Eddie was working on something else. He noticed that steam would force itself out of a pot even if a heavy lid was placed on it. Strap down the lid and put a small hole and a fast jet of steam would escape, and he made a device to capture this.
After a lot of trial and error it seemed to work, and he showed it to Tlenar. The water ran into a heated chamber, turned to steam and was forced through a pipe and jetted out of a pair of nozzles. It spun faster and faster, and then started to slow. Eddie adjusted a control and it became faster again. Then it slowed down and started making a rather unpleasant creaking noise.
“Duck!”, yelled Tlenar, and pushed Eddie to the ground. At that moment, the steam engine exploded, sending fragments of copper and two nozzles in all directions.
“I think that worked well. Just fix ... the ... exploding thing and .... we'll have ... a ... fantastic .. machine. Absolutely ... fantastic.”, said Tlenar. Tlenar always seemed to talk slowly when he was tired.
* * * * * * *
Back at the city, a spot formed on the horizon. The lookout was the first to see it. He know exactly what it was but didn't believe his eyes. He picked up his telescope. Sure enough, flying in towards the castle was a huge green dragon, smoke billowing from it's nostrils. He rang his bell as hard as he could and yelled “DRAGON!”. The lookout on the next tower took up the call.
In no time at all, all the king's archers were lined on the battlements. Catapults were filled with small stones.
As the dragon flew overhead, the archers fired as one, but to no avail. The bounced of the dragon's thick solid scales and fell to the ground. The catapults were fired. Hundreds of stones hit the dragon. This got his attention. He turned, breathed fie on the catapults setting them ablaze, and forcing the men manning them to dive to the floor. He flew past the battlements, smashed at them with his talon, knocking a gaping hole in them as half a dozen archers leapt for their lives.
Wondering what the commotion was about, the king's youngest daughter, Princess Sophie came out.
“Stay inside!”, yelled the king.
The dragon heard him and turned. The princess screamed and started to run back inside, but as she was running her feet got tangled in her skirt, and she fell to the ground. The dragon swooped over and grabbed her. And soared into the air.
The dragon swooped down again. “Now hear this! I shall come back tomorrow! You will stake out your finest cattle for me. As long as you do this, no harm shall come to your princess!”.
The dragon then flapped its powerful wings and flew away, the princess's screams slowly dying out as the dragon disappeared.
Some time later the king appeared on his balcony to address his subjects.
“Our land has been attacked by the most vile of creatures. We will not let this stand! The man rescues my daughter will receive her hand in marriage!”
Many knights set off to rescue the princess. None came back.
* * * * * * *
A monk whizzed into the room when Eddie was finishing up.
“I have a message for the abbot”, said the monk. It was holding a piece of paper with marks on it. Eddie looked at it. He couldn't make head nor tail of the strange circles and dashes. Eddie took the paper and set off to find Tlenar.
He found the abbot sitting in the temple, not moving at all.
Eddie coughed. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie Tlenar him on the shoulder. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie shook Tlenar. The abbot did nothing.
Eddie walked around and noticed there was a hold in the back of Tlenar's robe, and inside the hole he could see a mechanical linkage.
Eddie removed a key from the back of one of the other nearby robots, pushed it into the abbot's back, and started to turn.
The abbot started moving.
“Hmmm. I must have drifted off”, said Tlenar.
“I never realised you were a mechanical monk as well”
“Of course I'm a not mechanical, hmmm, flesh and blood like you my boy. Flesh and blood.”
“But I wound you up”
“Wound up? Oh no, my dear boy. You haven't even slightly annoyed me. You have been the model of politeness. Model of politeness. Now what seems to be the matter?”
“I have a message for you”, said Eddie.
Tlenar looked at the paper, stood up and started tapping the floor with his cane.
“Oh my. This is serious. Serious indeed. The city has been attacked by a dragon. They want me to come and defeat it, and rescue the princess. Honestly, princesses. Sometime I think they only exist to be captured and rescued”
“So are we going to rescue her?”, asked Eddie
“We? No. Not both of us”.
“Just you? But I'm sure I can help”
“Hee hee. Me!? I'm far too old for that sort of thing. Far too old. No Eddie. You must go.”
“Me!?”
“Yes. I think you have learned all you're going to learn here. You've certainly learned the important lessons. Now you'll need to find a way to get there quickly. How well does your sailcart work?”
“No way am I going to get on that!”, said Scritch
* * * * * * *
Eddie held on tight, and leaned into the wind. Scritch held tighly on to Eddie. The wind was blowing strongly, side on. Curiously, the sailcart always seemed to go faster than the wind when it was blowing to the side. He picked up speed as he rushed down the mountain paths. Deciding he was probably travelling fast enough, he folded the sail down, and held on to the cart.
The first curve seemed to be coming up disturbingly quickly. He leaned to the right. A clever steering mechanism meant the cart turned the direction he leaned. The path straightened. The cart picked up more speed, and headed down the mountain path.
The cart rumbled on. The path turned left, and Eddie leaned left, Then to the right, Eddie leaned right. The cart went up the side of a bank and Eddie was at a right angle to the ground. Eddie shot out of the forest and saw that he was approaching the cliffs.
Eddie thought quickly, and had an idea. The sail was attached to the car in two places. The bottom and the middle of the sail frame. By removing the sail from the bottom socket he could flip the sail horizontally. Eddie held on tight. Scritch covered his eyes.
The cart went off the edge of the cliff dropped a little and, to Eddies surprise, briefly started to rise slightly.
Without the land bouncing him up and down, it was so smooth. So quiet. Eddie looked around. He could see the valley underneath him. Eddie saw the city was over the the right. He tried leaning to the right, and the sailcart banked. He leaned further. It banked further slid sideways and started to drop.
Eddie didn't panic. Clearly this was one of those cases where panic didn't help. Also one of those times where failure is best avoided. So why was he dropping so fast? He looked at the sail. It was flapping uselessly in the breeze. The wind was rushing past his head. The wind! The sail works best when pointed into the wind.
He turned the sail to the direction he was falling. The sail stopped flapping and puffed out. The front tipped upwards slightly and swooped just above the top of a hill at the side of the valley. Eddie breathed a sigh of relief, and leaned, much more carefully this time, to turn toward the city.
He flew along the valley but saw the ground was coming closer. He'd have to bring this in for a landing. He tilted the cart so the back wheels would tough the ground first.
In the distance, he saw the Seven Deadly Dwarves standing in a tight formation. Eddie closed his eyes as he closed in. The dwarves dived out of the way and scattered like skittles.
The cart came into land, touched the ground, and landed softly. It kept rolling, and the wind was now behind him, so Eddie returned the sail to its upright position, and headed for the plains.
Eddie continued whizzing along at some speed past bemused looking sheep and cows, but after some time, the wind started to die down and the sailcart slowed.
Eddie stopped the sailcart and looked around.
“If there are cows, there's probably a dairy farm around here somewhere. Should ask for directions. I don't suppose you know how to speak to cows?”, said Eddie.
“Of course not”, said Scritch, “Cows are just animals. They can't talk”.
Eddie tied the cart to a tree and started walking in the direction that he hoped the farmhouse would be in.
* * * * * * *
Besdide the path sat a young man.
“Hi”, said Eddie, “I'm Eddie, and this is Scritch. We're off to rescue a princess”
“Good day to you”, said the man with the lute “My name is Alvaro the travelling bard. I sing stories of great adventures and action and drama, and tales of love and anguish. I tell tales of mystery and intrigue.”
“Would you like to come along. I'd like to hear these stories and songs of yours”, said Eddie.
“Ah. Well, there's the problem. I don't actually have any tales. I'm hoping to find some adventurers so that I may tell their tales”
“Maybe we'll meet some on the way”, said Eddie.
“Sounds exciting”, said Alvaro,
“First though, I need to find the farmhouse”, said Eddie. “Do you know the way?”
“Of course”, said Alvaro.
* * * * * * *
Eddie found the farmer and bought several urns of Milk.
“So do you have a wheelbarrow to carry all this?” asked Eddie.
“Of course”, I've got an old one I can sell you.
“Any cocoa?”
“I think I have a few bags. What are your plans? To make cocoa for an army?”
“Something like that. Have you a large cauldron and a wooden spoon?”
Eddie paid for all this quite generously with the gold that Scritch had stolen from the thief some time ago. Pleased with his purchase they set off to the caves.
* * * * * * *
As they got closer to the cave, the path became rocky and it was no longer possible to push the wheelbarrow so they left it under the mouth of the cave.
Eddie climbed up the rocks and stepped into the cave. There was a large passage leading deeper inside the cave, so Eddie followed. It was dark but Eddie saw a hint of a glow further down, and a strong smell of sulphur. Eventually he reached the source of the glow and the smell.
There was a chamber the size of the castle's ballroom, but much higher. On the floor of the chamber was a huge pile of gleaming gold, and sitting on the gold was a dragon.
Scattered around the edges of the cave were scraps of dented and bashed armour.
Eddie dashed out of the cave.
“Did you see the dragon?” asked Alavaro
“Yes. Huge beast. No wonder nobody could defeat it”.
“So what do we do now?”
“Now, we make cocoa”, said Eddie
Eddie and Alvaro lugged the milk, the cauldron, the rest of the ingredients and some firewood up to the mouth of the cave. Eddie made a fire and started heating the milk.
Eddie knew how to make good cocoa. The main thing to do remember is that the milk shouldn't get too hot. The cocoa should be given time to dissolve slowly.
When the coca was made, Eddie hefted the cauldron and took it to just outside the chamber.
“Wait here, and when I hear me cough, start playing that song”, Eddie said to Alvaro. “You stay here too, and make sure he stays awake”, he said to Scritch.
Eddie walked inside “Hello”, he shouted to the dragon. “I'm Eddie, your neighbour. Thought I'd pop round and see how you're settling in”.
“Fantastic!”, said the dragon. “Finally the king has stopped sending me tinned food”.
“Actually, I just thought I'd pop round for a cup of cocoa”, said Eddie.
“Koe Koe? I haven't heard of this. What is it? Some sort of treasure?”
“Better! It's a tasty drink”, and he carried the cauldron to just on front of the dragon.
“It tastes better with a little spice”, said Eddie adding the whole bottle of brandy to the cocoa.
The dragon tenderly dipped a claw into the cocoa and licked it. “That's quite tasty”, he said, and lapped up the whole contents. “Thatsh really veery tashty”, said the dragon. Eddie coughed. There was no music. He coughed again a bit louder.
“Thatsh a nashty cough you got”, said the dragon. Eddie noticed that the dragon seemed to be having trouble focussing on him.
The music started.
Hush, little dragon, down from the skies
Fold your wings and close your eyes,
Curl up tight and fall asleep
Dragon dreams, dream so deep.
“Thatsh a nice shong”, said the dragon, “I uhm. yeah... I'll just take a quick nap and then I'll eat you”. The dragon curled into a ball, closed its eyes and fell asleep.
Outside Scritch and Alvaro heard the snores. Both were expecting Eddie to be out any minute with the princess. After some time there was no sign of anyone.
Scritch ran into the cave and saw the sleeping dragon, and snoring almost as loud, was Eddie lying next to him. Scritch pondered how to wake him. He tried gently shouting in Eddies ear but rats don't have loud enough voices. He prodding Eddie in the ribs, but rats aren't heavy and Eddie barely felt it. Scritch had another idea. He ran under Eddies shirt and dug his claws into Eddie's back as hard as he could.
“Ow, ouch, arrrgh”, yelled Eddie swiping at Scritch.
“Watch it Boss, it's me!”, said Scritch.
“Sorry, Scritch. Didn't realise it was you. But that was really painful”
“Sorry, boss. No choice. Anyway, aren't you meant to be rescuing a princess?”
“Good point”, said Eddie. “She must be around here somewhere”
“Here, boss”, said Scritch. Scritch had found a long gold chain. Eddie followed the chain to a small cave. At the end of the chain asleep on the floor was Princess Sophie.
“Wow! that was a powerful lullaby”, said Eddie, “Hey, wake up your highness. I'm here to rescue you!”
The princess stirred from her sleep. “Oh. Oh my. Are you heroic warrior who's here to save me?”, she said, looking doubtfully at Eddie.
“Uhm. I guess so”, said Eddie. Come on then.
“I am chained up don't you know? You still have to rescue me”
“Hold on”. Eddie ran out and grabbed a couple of swords and a helmet.
“Wow! A mighty blow from a sword to smash the chains”
“Not quite”, said Eddie.
Eddie pushed a sword through a chain link and wedged it under a large rock. Then he grabbed the helmet and hammered the sword in as far as it would go. He grabbed the other sword and put it through the next link, then he started twisting. The chain twisted and buckled and eventually the link broke opened up and the chain broke.
“Oh.”, said the princess.
“Come on”, said Eddie. “We need to get back”.
“Where's you horse?” asked the princess when they were outside.
“Horse?”, said Eddie, “It's only a few miles. I walked”.
“There's no way I'm walking! I'm a princess! Princesses don't walk! Take me back on the cart. I'll suffer that indignity but no more!”
“There's absolutely no way we're dragging you back”, said Eddie
* * * * * * *
“I still have no idea why we gave in”, said Alvaro as they lugged the cart and the princess back to the castle.
“Never mind. We're here now”, he said.
The king came running out to see his daughter. Forgetting all royal propriety he picked her up and hugged her.
“And who do I thank for rescuing her?”, said the king?
“Oh, it was awful, daddy! This wizard did but they didn't even have a horse and he beat the dragon by cheating and he didn't smash the chain in one go and it's all wrong and I wanted to be rescued by a brave and handsome knight, and he's just a scruffy wizard, and there was a rat and it was horrid!”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”, said the king, ignoring his daughter, and shaking Eddie and Alvaro's hands in turn, “I couldn't be happier! What do you want as a reward!”
“I assure you, Eddie did all the hard work. I just provided the music, and the good deed is its own reward”, said Alvaro.
“Food is always good”, said Eddie
“Nonsense!”, said the king turning to Alvaro, “You, shall each receive a sack of gold and silver and gemstones!”
“No food then?” said Eddie.
At this point, Scritch nibbled Eddie to get his attention. “Boss! I hate to break up the party, but that dragon will probably be waking up sometime soon, and he's not going to be happy”.
“Right...”, said Eddie, “I need to go to the kitchen”
“Well, if food is that important to you, I'll order the kitchen to make whatever you want.”
* * * * * * *
“Okay, everybody!”, Eddie said to the kitchen staff. “I need you to whip up all the eggs you can find with sugar! The safety of the kingdom depends on it! Two spoonfuls of sugar for each egg white! Come on! Chop chop!”
The kitchen staff were a bit confused by this. “Egg whites!?”, said the head cook. “How much dessert can you eat?”
“Please!!!”, said Eddie, “It's important! Oh, and I'll need a large bag of ground pepper. And a mirror”
Eddie had the egg white, the bag of pepper and the mirror placed outside the castle walls. He picked up the mirror. He looked at the sun, and pointed the shield at it. He saw the spot of bright light reflected on the ground. He moved the mirror around around and pointed the spot of light at nearby buildings. After a while Eddie was satisfied he could aim the light where he wanted.
Some time later, a dragon shape appeared above the hills in the distance.
When the dragon was close enough, Eddie shifted the shield and shone the spot right into the dragon's eyes. The dragon swerved left but Eddie kept the reflection of the sun in the dragons eyes. The dragon tried rising, swerving, left, swerving right but it couldn't shake the light out of its eyes. It tried diving, but unable to see properly, hit the ground and tumbled, rolling over and over like a runaway cannonball.
The dragon shook itself to its feet. “Who dares?”, said the dragon. “Who challenges me?”
“Eddie the wizard does!” yelled Eddie in response, “These are not your cattle! They belong to the people of the kingdom”
“You again? Well, I haven't snacked on wizards for some time. I accept your challenge!”
“And if you win?”
“I get to eat you”
“Fair enough, said Eddie. I recommend wizard pavlova”, and he scooped the frothy egg white and sugar mixture out of the pot and covered himself in it.
The dragon looked at him. Dragon faces don't convey as much emotion as human faces do, but this one certainly looked a little bemused.
“Well, come on!”, said Eddie.
The dragon took a deep breath, and sent out a jet of fire. Eddie closed his eyes and crouched down. The egg whites started to brown, and then blacken, but Eddie was fine. Protected from the heat by a cocoon of meringue.
The dragon charged forward and swiped at him, but dragons are slow and clumsy on the ground. Eddie dodged the thrust quite easily. “You'll need to be faster than that”, said Eddie. The dragon breathed fire again but Eddie was still protected by his meringue armour.
The dragon backed away and leaped back into the air. He flew away, and Eddie grabbed for his shield. But the dragon had flown straight towards the sun, and had now turned around and made sure his shadow fell on Eddie. Eddie could no longer use the shield. He ran back to his pile of equipment, grabbed the bag of pepper and flung it as hard as he could at the dragon. The dragon swiped at it with his claw, but this was the worst thing it could do. The pepper exploded right in the dragons face.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
The dragon sneezed and a jet of blue flame came out of its nostrils sending it flying back hundred of yards. It tried flying towards Eddie again.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
The dragon tumbled backwards through the air, a fireball erupting from its nose.
“AAAAA-CHOO-O-O-O!!!”
“Aaaaa-choo-o-o-o!!!”
“aaaa-cho-o-o-o!!!”
The dragon kept sneezing himself backwards, and Eddie watched away and over the horizon.
Eddie collapsed, and started scraping the meringue off himself. Scritch came running up and helped by eating some of it. “Well, that was pretty impressive, boss! So have you won?”
“I really don't know. I think I might have just made it angry”.
Some time later, Scritch's question was answered. The dragon appeared again, still sneezing, but not sneezing explosive fireballs. Eddie realised that the dragon must be out of fire.
The dragon swooped down at Eddie. Eddie dived and was missed by a hair's thickness. Eddie ran back to the castle safely protected against further swoop attacks be the thick caste walls.
The dragon flew down and landed in front of Eddie. Eddie dodge to the side as the dragon lunged, and started running for the castles entrance. “Raise the portcullis”, yelled Eddie. And he heard the clanking as the portcullis was raised.
Eddie ran to the entrance with the dragon pursuing. “Lower the portcullis!” The portcullis dropped on the dragon's neck, wedging the dragon in place.
The dragon tried lifting the portcullis, tried pulling back, and pushing forwards. Eventually it gave up.
“That wasn't fair! I'll get out of here and then I'll pounce on you and and eat you and crunch up your bones and then I'll, I'll... ”
“Oh shush!”, said Eddie. I beat you fair and square. Now you have to go away and leave us alone”
“I will escape from here and destroy this castle. Then I'll eat everyone in it starting with you, little wizard”.
“I'll leave you to consider that and come back later”, said Eddie.
“Keep a perimeter and don't allow anyone else to approach”, said Eddie to the Captain of the guards, and he wandered off.
Some time later the dragon was still pinned under the portcullis. Eddie returned with a cauldron of steaming liquid.
“Here, try some of my honey ginger tea”, said Eddie, putting the cauldron down by the dragon's nose
“No! Last time I had something you made for me it was a trick”, said the dragon.
“Well, fair enough, but if you want some, just ask”, said Eddie. He dropped his tankard onto the cauldron filled it with the tea and drank some.
“That does smell very good”, said the dragon
“It is good”, said Eddie helping himself to another tankard. “Have some”.
“Fine”, said the dragon, and started lapping at the tea.
“My, that is nice. So what's the catch?”
“No catch”, said Eddie.
“I'm still going to get out of here and eat you”, said the dragon. Somehow its heart didn't seem to be in it though.
“Well, I'll give you some time to think about that”, said Eddie and he walked away.
Some time later Eddie reappeared again, dragging a large mirror.
“I have a peace offering”, said Eddie, and put the mirror in front of the dragon.
The dragon peered at the mirror. He moved his head to the left and to the right. Tilted it slightly. Tried closing one eye.
“Is that me?”, asked the dragon, “I'm so handsome! Wow! It's lovely! Can I keep this?”.
“Of course. It's a gift”.
“And can you let me go now please?”
“Do you promise not to bother anyone in the kingdom again”
“After you've been so kind to me? Of course I promise”
“Dragon's bond? I know you can't break that”, said Eddie.
“Dragon's bond”, said the dragon, grudgingly.
So, Eddie signalled for the portcullis to be raised, and the dragon backed away collected the mirror from Eddie and flew away back to its lair.
* * * * * * *
“Well done Eddie”, said Alvaro, “and thank you. Now I have a tale to tell. An epic tale of a wizard defeating a dragon.”
“Won't you stay?” asked Eddie. “I'm sure they'd love to have you here”
“I'm a travelling Bard”, said Alvaro. “I have to travel. Stories aren't going to spread by themselves. This is my calling. Besides, I'm a bit worried that the king might try to reward me again”.
Alvaro ran away. Eddie got the impression that he didn't seem to want to talk to the king.
The king came up to Eddie. Princess Sophie was following him. “Well done both of you! What happened to the other fellow?”
“He had to leave”, said Eddie, “I think there was some sort of musical emergency somewhere”.
“Well, that makes everything a lot easier”, said the king. “As a reward I shall make you a knight. And you shall live in the castle, with servants attending to your every whim”
Eddie was taken aback by this generosity.
“And of course you are to marry my daughter”
“What!?”, said the princess.
“Of course. That was the offer. The man who rescues you was to get your hand in marriage”.
“Marriage!?” said Eddie. Eddie turned white and fainted.
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Date: 2008-11-06 12:32 am (UTC)