luckykaa | Why am I single? (Not a whinge)

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romance

Why am I single? (Not a whinge)

I met up with a nice girl today. We got on okay but there was no sparkage. Had a nice time, so this is all fine but I'd rally like to know why.

This isn't a whinge or a whine? I'm pretty okay with this at the moment. I'm mainly confused about it. More to the point it frequently causes me problems and I'd like to be able to solve it.

I'm reasonably good looking, I'm intelligent, can make people laugh, charming, have good prospects, give good hugs and have warm hands and feet. Often guys with none of these attributes seem to have more luck than me. Guys with many of them often seem to have less luck than me. Clearly these factors are completely irrelevant.

I have been asked on a number of occasions how I'm still single. This is always by girls who are not remotely interested in me.

It's all very odd.

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Ok, without being rude, let's look at you from the perspective of a woman, and what I thought of you the first time I met you.

1) You're a geek. Most women don't like geeks unless they are geeks themselves.

2) You're a LARPer. You told me this within ten minutes of me meeting you. Might not want to let that one out of the bag. Ever. Most 'normal' girls would laugh in your face and run a mile.

3) You're way too quiet. And your 'charming' can come across as slightly creepy sometimes. You are nice, yes, but you look at women in a way that can be perceived as a bit, um, weird? Sorry, I can't explain it any better, but you can make girls feel a little uncomfortable when you look at them. As for your looks, you're not my type so I can't really comment properly.

The things I look for in a man are confidence, nicely dressed, nice eyes, nice smile and not a clingy freak that wants to hold your hand every five seconds. Equally I don't like guys that talk to my tits or feel me up. I like intelligent guys and I like someone that I can have a good debate with. I really can't help you because I don't know the kind of girls you like, but I'm guessing I'm not your type at all, I'm probably too much of a ball-buster.

Argh, these aren't meant to be insults so don't take them as such. Think of them as advice from a female friend who's trying to help you. I don't know how you can solve the whole being single thing, that's up to you, but yeah.

I'ma shut up now.

Well, if they don't like geeks they'll never be interested in me and so I don't care about them, so don't care about #1. As for #2, well, I probably let you know that because I know at last some of your friends are LARPers. I don't usually reveal that one right at the start.

#3. Thanks. That's useful stuff. Will have to work out how to look at women differently. Eye contact has always been a bit of a problem for me.

The guys I like are very laid back, don't think too much about how other people perceive them and smile a lot. For me, personally, I will much sooner fall for a man who's aloof and don't seem to be interested in my approval, than for someone who instantly gets personal - if someone asks for my phone number or starts very obviously flirting, I'll start recoiling and wondering what's wrong with him. I don't know why that is, and whether that's just me, but maybe that helps: don't come on too strong?

This is going to sound like a list of insults... basically if you are honestly asking this question, all your female friends can do is tell you why they personally wouldn't go for you. These same things will not be true for all women. Also please bear in mind that i do like you as a friend and am myself very picky.

1. Your accent or way you talk - have you considered having voice coaching? You tend to *sound* really creepy and lecherous right from the start, also a bit stuck up.
2. You do come across as a bit creepy, way too intense, you smile a little crazy all the time.
3. You're not confident in your own skin, you act and move like you're not quite sure where all your limbs are, also you hunch, if you are tall, stand tall.
4. Something hard to pin down, a sort of nervous energy, i often feel like i wouldn't be suprised if you burst into maniacle laughter.

The overall effect for me is of someone not confident, who doesn't really know what he's doing but thinks too much of himself and isn't really interested in girls as people more as GIRLS with captital letters and boobs! Who's going to be clingy and needy.

STOP looking for a girlfriend.
START looking after yourself and getting more confident.
Spend more time with female friends and try to see women only as friends first.
Someone will come along when you are not trying too hard and will be able to see you as the person you are rather than what you sometimes come across as.
Possibly spend some time with your more successful male friends and talk to them about their attitudes and experiances.

Don't worry about avoiding geekiness - i know plenty of male geeks and gamers who i wouldn't kick out of bed, and not all of them are traditional stunners - they are just happy in themselves and who they are and just chat to me like a friend and an equal without any overtures or anything... sexy as hell.

Sorry that is not what you wanted to hear because these are not easy things to change, but this is just why i personally don't fancy you.... there is someone for everyone and there will be women who thinks all of the above is rubbish.

No, that is what I wanted to hear.

I mean it's not like I can fix anything if I don't know what I need to fix.

Hiya,

actually I agree with you - I think it IS odd. There is no obvious reason why you shouldn't get a girlfriend - at least, no reason that leaps out at me. No, I don't think you are creepy!!! I am not attracted to you myself (which you already know!) but that doesn't really mean a thing because I'm not attracted to most men that I meet, and there's nothing wrong with them at all.

I noted what you said above, that you thought the girl was nice but there was no spark between you. That particular comment sounded to me like part of it may just be that you aren't meeting the right girls (unhelpful, I know).

I think it might help if you took voice lessons, because I do sometimes find it hard to understand what you're saying - you speak very quickly and sometimes indistinctly, and I am old and perhaps growing a trifle deaf. Speaking more slowly and clearly, with more confidence, would I think be generally helpful, not just for getting girls. An attractive voice can be very sexy.

For the record, I see nothing wrong with being a geek - there ARE geek girls out there, I am one, and they like geek men!

There is also the thoroughly annoying fact that finding somebody to go out with is like standing in the corner trying not to think of a white bear. People tend to turn up unexpectedly, when you are not looking. But deliberately not looking, doesn't make them turn up!

Have you tried a paid dating site? (I've heard it said that the first rule of dating agencies/sites, is that anything free isn't worth using). And are there any that might have a reasonable selection of quirky types? (I wouldn't fancy my chances of finding anybody I liked on a purely mainstream site).

*ponders*

Following on from previous comments...

Geekiness etc - no problem.

Voice coaching - Wouldn't go amiss.... bu then I mumble & don't articulate well in normal conversation so I can hardly complain! (Plus I don't find it a problem with you. No more than with some other friends anyway).

Nervousness/shyness - it's there but isn't necessarily a bad thing...

As countesszero & invisigoth said, "something creepy" - this is I reckon your biggest downfall & it's hard to pin in down... Not that I think you are creepy but you can maybe come across as slightly creepy to people who don't know you... I think invisigoth had it right with it's more of an intensness - possibly a little too much invasion of personal space, intense eye contact & conversation right from the start, it feels a little forced I think.

It's hard to be objective about this as now these are just 'quirks of Neil' & not negative things.

Advice: Relax a bit more, think about personal space and maybe keep a little extra distance to begin with? Treat everyone you meet as a potential friend, nothing more - that's a difficult one I know. You seem to be meeting/going on one or two dates with lots of girls met online - Maybe treat this as a chance to enjoy meeting lots of different people & not as an opportunity to meet 'the one'?

It's difficult as everyone looks for different qualities in a partner & it's a combination of little things that determine who you fall for & who you don't. Geek girls seem to have rather strange sets of values which differ greatly between us as well!

There could be a poll done here. Geek girls please list top 3 qualities that usually attract you to guys.

Could do but that's the wrong question.

Nobody really knows what they want. A better question is what has attracted you in the past.

In the past.
Tom - looks, confidence, sense of humour, attitude towards me from the outset as someone who's primary goal was to just get to know me and nothing more, who genuinely felt like an equal, he doesn't do one upmanship or assume i will do something worse than him even for a second, and that comes across - alot of guys are fundamentally sexist no matter what they say, you can just tell when you're fiddling with that wheel nut that they think they could do it better.... Tom would be asleep on the back seat... that's another issue entirely.
If i could remember all their lj names i could list the other people in our group that i like... most of them are married or in relationships. There isn't a consistent look i like but most of these chaps are quirky or weird in one way or another, all are very confident, interesting and LARPers! They tend to be very friendly, happy to pay me compliments and flirt a bit but usually in full view of their partners. They all make me laugh and are very kind to everyone.... the latter a quality that i don't have myself but seem to find attractive in others. None of them assume girls will automatically fancy them back. But you get the immpression that if they didn't, they wouldn't care. Being a bit unatainable is attractive.
I like guys who are happy to insult me. Not in a mean way, i just like it when people can gently poke fun without being cruel...
I like inteligent guys, but you don't have to be in mensa or anything, just have considered opinions and be educated is enough. I HATE people who think they're cleverer than i am... i don't care if they're Einstein, i dislike show offs. I can't stand guys who have to be right all the time. It's just annoying and most of the time...your not.
I'm really difficult. There are easier girls out there, but these are some of the qualities that i find most attractive/most off putting etc...
I'm not sure that helps, but maybe it would if everyone else left their opinions and there was some kind of pattern.

tough one...

Generally, nice geeky guys with a sense of humour, generally those who are slighly shy. Preference for longer hair although all but one guy I've been with has had this. Nice eyes - hard to specify what makes them nice but the eyes are the window to the soul etc etc.

...although there are many nice geeky guys I don't fancy (such as yourself - sorry, these are the only consistent factors I can think of)

Specifically with Mark: I remember first impression of him was was a rather hot, fun & friendly geek! He has a wonderful smile, pretty eyes, he's open & friendly with everyone, he genuinly cares about all his friends. He has encyclopaedic knowledge of all things geeky. Most importantly I can talk to him about anything & everything without feeling ashamed, embarrased or awkward... except sometimes when I haven't seen the cartoons or films he has & so do not get all his quotes!

You can ask pepople to list all the things they like & don't like in a partner but that won't help... If I were to sit down & make a list pf all the things I find attractive Mark hasn't got them all, & he has other feathers that I love in him that I wouldn't have thought to put in my list. There's something else you need, sometimes you just click with someone. Little nuances of personality that fit perfectly.

I've thought of something else you could actually realistically change that would help reduce the creepy vibe.

Be more mature.
Your livejournal is very purple. I think davethehobbit was right when he once said to me that everyone goes through a purple phase, usually when your 17. It's the colour teenage girls paint their bedrooms, it's too bright, too close to pink and doesn't seem very sophisticated.
Your icon is a cuddly toy. Yes it's very cutesy and all of that, but cutesy isn't sexy. You need to develop more sophisticated tastes and appearance. I know this is only what i can see online because we only see each other about once a year, but online is where you meet alot of people. Maybe try to come across as a mature man in his late twenties early thirties, sensible, responsible and not the sort of chap who when you get back to his student-like flat, has a bed full of stuffed animals. You might live in a palace for all i know, but it's the impression you make that counts. Once you're past that all important first impression, these things matter less.

*has a purple journal...*

Then again this is partly 'cause there were many crap options when I set it up & I can't be arsed to change it now! lol

Yes, mine a purple when i set it up too.
However i don't think mature sophisticated man in his early 30's is the look you're going for. Youth and girlyness are things that sit much better on women, cutesy can be appealing in women, it has obviosly worked for you.

It occurs to me that shineyjenni would be a good match for Neil, i don't know if you know her. But she would need someone confident because she can be very quiet when she wants to be.

Yes, but I'm not sure I can really change that and still be true to who I am. I can put less emphasis on the childish things I like certainly but I can't choose not to enjoy them.

And yes, met ShineyJenni. Seems nice but rather quiet.

It's only for first impressions.
Yes, she is very quiet, but if you get her one on one and talk to her she's lovely, a librarian as far as i'm aware and a Dr Who geek.
I don't think she's shy, just someone who prefers to listen.
Just a thought.

I think she's very much my type but isn't this the sort of thing we want to avoid? "Look - a geeky female. Must flirt!!!"

:)

I'm not suggesting you do.... just when you meet people like that, take the time to get to know them, you never know what might happen.

One other thought, if you aren't too fed up with being dissected here. I wonder if the bright colours/juggler/busker look may not suit you? It makes quite a statement, and one has to have the right kind of personality to carry it off. Given that you are naturally a bit shy, perhaps this sends mixed signals that can be interpreted as "creepy"?

I have another male friend who always comes across as insincere to me, because his mannerisms are very "lovey" and affected (I don't mean this is how you are, it's just a somewhat comparable case). I have it on very good authority that he's completely genuine and is just overcompensating for being underconfident, but I still have trouble relating to him.

So you could try wearing smart, normal clothes and making sure you look well groomed. You're an IT professional, and that style of clothing can be a perfectly good look for everyday. Maybe that would help you feel more comfortable, and if you do have a shy moment, you can just go with it, instead of feeling you have to perform/trying too hard?

Of course, these comments don't apply to when you ARE in costume, e.g. at a LARP, con or costumey party. Then, go for it and indulge your love of dressing up!

Anyway, just my 2-p's worth, I hope no offence taken as none intended. I think you're a lovely guy and deserve better.

That's a tricky one.

The thing is, I rather like bright colours and eclectic clothes. I feel cheerful in bright colours and that makes me feel more confident.

That and my purple trousers have received unsolicited compliments before.

You may well like the bright colours and eclectic clothes but if I was meeting you for a date and you rocked up in a brightly coloured shirt and something 'weird', I'd excuse myself to the bathroom as soon as we went into the bar or wherever then never come back. First impressions count and most women can judge a man within ten seconds. If I don't like what you're wearing, then you have no chance. That may seem extremely shallow, but that's the way this whole dating thing goes for women. I know of few girls that would appreciate your purple trousers, unless you confine your dating activities to the geek girl pool. And it's clear that you're not, seeing as I found you on POF.

From your responses to our comments it doesn't really seem that you're that willing to change, apart from the 'creepy' thing. And that won't make you appealing to a wider female audience. If you stay the way you are, you're confined to date females that are probably rather weird and don't shave their armpits.

My best advice to you, appearance wise, would be get a decent haircut, get yourself to Topman or Burton and buy something that's a bit more, um, fashionable? I know this probably goes against every fibre of your being but you're going to have to do this if you're going to get a girl.

I'm okay with being single at the moment. There's only so much I'm really happy to change about myself.

I'll listen to your advice. I'll consider everything you have to say. You've given your honest opinion and I'm truly grateful for it, but please don't be upset if I choose not to take your advice.

I hear what you're saying, but it can give quite a strong "alternative" vibe and for ordinary occasions (and meeting new people) you might do better to cultivate your own version of "smart and normal". It's a look that can't really go wrong, and you can always let the brighter side of your wardrobe out to play whenever appropriate.

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Why am I single? (Not a whinge)

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